Save time sledding with kids by just throwing away one mitten before you even leave the house
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After killing a spider I wrap the web around his neck and hang him from the wall to make it look like a suicide.
I put on my Godzilla costume, then go to the miniature golf course to beat up the windmill.
*first day of umpire school*
Teacher: You seem disappointed, is there something wrong?
Me: *wearing fake fangs* no no it’s fine
I’d be a terrible surgeon because my hands shake, and also because I didn’t go to medical school of any kind.
The only thing you can wish for in this life is that the person you say “I do” to appreciates your Star Trek memorabilia as much as you.
“My great-grandma went to jail for making moonshine” was probably not the family history topic my son’s teacher expected.
My husband won’t stop playing Call of Duty on his phone… with his friends… with no headphones. I would like to request one murder hornet please.
I like to have gps trackers on my kids just to make sure they’re not home.
being on Twitter right now is like playing the violin on the titanic except we are also making fun of the iceberg and the iceberg is getting genuinely mad
I JUST WANT A JOB WHERE I CAN SIT ABSOLUTELY STILL AND IF ANYONE DISTURBS ME I GET TO SCREAM
Olympic pairs curling but it’s just me and my Roomba working together to frantically clean the hardwood floors before the wife gets home.
A pregnant lady, except it’s me smuggling king sized candy into the movies for 6 kids and saving $278.
Sign your kids up for sports so that they can get exercise, and drive-thru for dinner.
ANGEL: what are we gonna call the 11th month? I was thinking Vember.
GOD: no, no Vember. Vember is my ex.
ANGEL:
GOD: [taking bong rip] lmao, so this is gonna sound really petty but I just had an idea-
The government shut down. Monkey knife fights in my backyard in one hour BYOB
A sitcom about teen girl aliens called UFOMG.
“Clean up after yourselves. Your mother doesn’t live here!” I holler at my kids, completely forgetting several key details.
Please tell me there’s a veterinary text on ruminants called Graze Anatomy
Fries should be offered more often like yes your mortgage is approved would you like fries with that?
*being wrestled away from mall santa by security* u hav TWO WEEKS until deadline and ur out here doing PHOTO OPS?! WHOS DOINGE THE REAL WORK
ME [8:49PM]: on my way, taking a crab
GF [8:50PM]: u mean a cab
ME [8:52PM]: not exactly. be there in several days
“After 30 years at my stepdad’s carpentry business I needed a change.”
If your online dating profile says “I don’t have sex on the first date” then that’s why you’re on a dating website.
Brain: “something is wrong”
Me: “what is it?”
Brain: “you gotta guess ”
Today there were a few deer in the backyard looking hungry so I tromped out there with a bucket of corn and the entire flock of turkeys came out of nowhere charging at me. It was quite unsettling but we’re all fine.
are elective head amputations covered by insurance oh shoot i thought this was google
Every winter Olympic sport is just a variation of either ‘get down hill fast’ or ‘knife feet’
[at grocery store]
Son: Why is this peach fuzzy?
Me: That’s nothing. You should’ve seen them in the 70s
gooooob morning. i’m being told. someone came down the chimney last night. this is preposterous. i would’ve lost my mind
There was a cricket on my toilet seat so I just backed out awkwardly. Lock the door next time, bro.