CDC Recommends Also Wearing Face Mask On Back Of Head In Case Coronavirus Attacks From Rear
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HER: I’ve missed you so badly.
ME: *pulls hatchet from wall* thank god!
Terribly Tuesday.
Boxing is like a dance, a dance where you punch your dance partner until he doesn’t want to dance anymore.
North Korea claiming they test fired a big rock at Russia.
Uber Eats:
Food
Tip
Sales tax
Service tax
Gas tax
Just because tax
What are you gonna do about it tax
‘You look fat’ is both an ice-breaker and a bone-breaker
I hate it when I forget my password and the security questions make me relive all of my childhood.
My sister borrowed my favorite shirt without asking again, so I changed her Facebook profile picture to a positive Clearblue pregnancy test.
I’m at my most ninja when slipping on my seat belt as a cop car pulls up beside me.
The toughest part of any long distance relationship is the 6 hour drive to slash their tires.
The gal in front of me on this flight didn’t enjoy me stroking her forehead after she reclined into my lap. Thought we were having a moment.
triscuits is short for scuit scuit scuit
we can put a man on the moon but we can’t make shower caps sound less like world war 3 is happening on my head
You had my full attention until you said “without further adieu.”
*skinny dips into black hole
After my second “oh shit that’s crazy” it’s time to wrap up your story.
[2 Humans who definitely aren’t lizard people at Denny’s]
1: I sure am glad they don’t have newt brain on the menu
2: Right on, fellow human
I dropped my bowl of SpaghettiOs and it spelled ‘oooooooo’ on the floor. Spooky
Me: Go ahead.
Waiter: Huh?
Me: You’re staring at my hair. Go ahead & touch it.
Waiter: There’s a leaf in it.
ME: Who is Taylor Swift’s song “We Are Never Getting Back Together” about?
DOCTOR: I meant questions about the vaccine
My wife punched me during sex last night. Probably a good idea that my mistress and I do it at her place next time.
[getting escorted out of zoo] “I just wanted to see if the panda knew kung fu like in the movie”
went to the beach and pissed on a jellyfish before it had chance to sting me
her: we should get a labrador
me: idk seems like ppl with those go blind
Welcome to parenthood. You will be issued 5 overly noisy toys by people who you thought cared about you shortly.
Playing dodgeball with kids is harder than it looks cause you have to throw them with both hands.
If I got stranded on a deserted island, I’d arrange rocks to form huge letters on the beach for rescue aircraft to read. It would say:
“THIS IS ACTUALLY FINE”
grandchild: when did you know you were gonna marry grandpa?
me: when the dude brought 4 different slices of cheesecake on the second date.
Having to write cover letters is so dumb. Do u really believe my dream ever since I was a little girl was to optimize SEO for a mid level online publication? No. It was to ride a pony on a space rainbow. Grow up.
My son is on guitar, my daughters are on drums and harmonica, and I’m on my second ibuprofen.