Hey Young Girls, when a first date suggests you two go to “your place”, take him to Target.
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I have the same toxic argument every Thanksgiving where I insist that Sopranos is the American Evangelion and my late 60s/early 70s uncle keep reiterating they haven’t watched any animes and don’t really have strong opinions on TV :/
HER: how was your day?
ME: you know in Die Hard when he runs barefoot over broken glass?
HER: it was that bad??
ME: oh no, it’s just a cool scene…my day was decent
Guys who resent their friends for not sharing their hair products are gel less.
No amount of college can prepare you for how angry you’ll get at the way people park in the real word.
that time my father pronounced ‘hors d’oeuvres’ as ‘horse divorce’ in front of other humans
Me: So I punch them in the chest but then I’m supposed to feel bad about it and kiss them? Worst self defense class ever.
Instructor: ok yeah, so this is actually a CPR class.
I’m in trouble with the wife because I toss and turn so much she can’t lean the iPad against me while watching her show about a lady who murders her husband.
I let my dog watch “Fifty Shades Of Grey” and he loved it….Which surprised me because, he hated the book.
Subway Guy: Enjoy your sandwich
Me: You too!
Subway Guy:
Me:
Me: *gives him my sandwich* this is yours now
Walk into the club like whatup OWW
Walk into the mace like what DAMN
Walk into the sword like wha *dies*
*flunks gladiator school*
*walking down street with friend*
Well, this is me.
*jumps in front of bus*
“Hey, wanna lie to each other over cups of coffee?” – First dates
Jesus: remember disciples, everything the light touches is god’s kingdom
Judas: um, isn’t that from the Lion King?
Jesus: *glares at Judas*
tourist season
Me: How bout we head over to my place?
Her: Nope
Me: I have a dog…
Her: Get in I’ll drive
“My name will live forever!” – Anonymous.
Do people who eat sushi and sashimi know that fire was discovered?
UNHAND ME
Wait
how many?
You know you’re getting old when your decision to sleep with someone is mostly based on the quality of their mattress and pillows.
Could you please put your screaming baby on vibrate.
Were those thousands of turtle lives worth the life of one stupid, spoiled Princess with a strange fetish for Italian plumbers?
TIP: If a friend ever says they have a chocolate lab, do not get your hopes up when you are going to their house because they are just talking about a dog
doctor: I’d like to give you something to help your anxiety
me: whose side are you on?
me: haha wow, you *really* seem to like my eyes
optometrist: again, please hold still
[guy in charge of naming superheroes]
Superman, next
Batman, next
Wonder Woman, next
Aquaman, next
*takes a hit of acid*
Green Lantern
[dark alley]
Dealer: so what you want
Me: a gram
[dealer opens trenchcoat, revealing multiple grandmothers]
Who called it a muzzle and not a hush puppy?
Keep yelling “dance!” and shooting at my feet, tough guy. I studied tap for 9 years and you’re going to look like an idiot.
My roommate in college asked me to listen in on a call with her boyfriend so that I could give her my “professional” roommate opinion but I got hungry and started eating potato chips which made her spend the bulk of the call trying to convince him no one was on the other line.
Sometimes I wish camouflage were more effective so I wouldn’t have to see the people who wear it.