I walked into a pub with my wife..
The Bartender asked: Would you like a drink for your wife?
I said That sounds like a fair swap
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Horoscope: Slightly fatter than you were yesterday
If by multitasking you mean ruining my life in more than one way at a time, then yes, I’m multitasking.
sorry im late, i photoshoped myself as every member of Slayer
My wife teaches high school math and half of her time is spent just making sure that none of the math problems she gives to the kids end up with an answer of 69 or 420
Welcome to your 40’s. Quality pens turn you on now.
It used to be that at least once a week you’d walk down the street and see a piano dropped on someone’s head from an apartment above and that person would pop out of the top with piano key teeth. this is what they’ve taken from us
Whenever I’m ordering takeout they ask if I need three sets of utensils and the answer is always obviously yes
Him: My friend got me a Fitbit
Me: Oh yeah, heard of them, haven’t got one though
Him: You can buy them online
Me *whispering* you can buy friends online?!
Me, first day as a prosecutor: *whispering* ᵍᵘⁱˡᵗʸ ᵖᵉᵒᵖˡᵉ ˢᵃʸ ʷʰᵃᵗ
Defendant: What?
Me: I rest my case, your Honor.
The best thing about having siblings is roping them into Schemes
I’m not dramatic but my money has to be facing all the same way and right side up, otherwise the world will explode.
Having kids is great because you get to ask fun questions like why is there a volleyball in the refrigerator?
You don’t scare me, you are not the contact lens that is lost inside of my eye.
4yo: Can I have some more Easter candy?
Me: After lunch
4yo: I want lunch right now. I’m starving!!
Me: We just ate breakfast
4yo: Starving!
I just saw a sign that said “if you can plan for a wedding, you can plan for a natural disaster” and in my mind those two things are the same things
They say that blondes are dumb, but I’ve gotten a brunette to marry me too.
Two elderly British ladies greeting each other
Why procrastinate today when you can procrastinate tomorrow?
it seems as if every day science takes another giant leap forward
My wife caught me looking at a seagull at the beach so now we’re in this big fight.
[pulled over]
Cop: Have you been drinking?
Me: No
Cop: *tosses me a sock* Stand on one foot and put this on
End any argument with a baby by saying “Well, at least my arms are longer than my head.” YA GOT SMOKED, BABY
My cat just winked at me and now it’s awkward because I only see her as a friend.
*anna quietly knocks on elsa’s door after olaf falls asleep* do you wanna kill a snowman?
The real miracle is that the human race still exists after being stupid enough to kill the guy who could turn water into wine…
Idiots.
me: sorry i couldn’t stay longer
friend: no that was long enough
I could never kill someone…
Not one of my knives cuts properly. Not even to cut an onion.
Strudel me like one of your toaster girls
I had big plans to sleep in until 7, but my bladder canceled.
My gym is opening up again, so now I have to go back to not going because I’m lazy.