“IT’S A BOY” I shouted, tears rolling down my face “I DON’T BELIEVE IT. A BOY!” It was at that moment I chose never to visit Thailand again.
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When Adam and Eve ate the apple I remember thinking, “Well, that’s a sin, but at least it’s original.”
Ok I think somewhere we go wrong as a species is not having a defined mating season. bc then if it doesn’t work out during that season you can just chill the rest of the year and not feel so pressured
The guy in the car behind me is really taking a no man left behind approach to picking his nose
Distance is my jam, solitude is my peanut butter.
Does anyone have the number of a painter/decorator? I really need to get all my windows jammed so they never open again.
In my opinion, we should keep on eating meat until the planet runs out. And then, and only then, do we start on the children.
diet tip: your pants will never get too tight if you don’t wear any.
Covid has me stifling a cough in public like I’m trying to hide a bite wound in a zombie movie.
This South Beach diet is BRUTAL. I can only eat a sensible face for breakfast, a sensible face for lunch, then just CELERY for dinner.
Accidentally typed ‘Edgar Allan Pie’ and now I’m in the mood for a sullen and morose dessert
I like to creep around my home and act like a goblin
“No son, leave Santa beer and pretzels”
But daddy, Santa likes-
[gently puts hand on his head]
“do what I say or he’s not coming”
Do you have FB?
No
Do you have Twitter?
No
Instagram?
No
What do you have?
A life.
…
…
Can I have it?
No. I need it to play Candy Crush.
[creating humans]
GOD: Make them imperfect…
ANGEL: Okay…done…
GOD: Now make them apologize to Me all the time for being imperfect.
Sure childbirth can be painful, but have you had food poisoning for two days straight?
*Sat talking to a girl at a bar*
Brain: Compliment her perfume, nicely.
Me: I AM SMELLING YOU
Brain: Why do you hate me?
I’m “I have been lying about my age so long that I have forgotten how old I actually am” years old.
So many village idiots. So few dragons.
When I die, someone, please attend my funeral dressed as the Grim Reaper and just stand there and don’t say a word. Thanks.
Kim Kardashian’s birthday is today AND she got engaged to Kanye West! It’s almost like it was made for TV! Wait….
Funny you should ask, I do have extra body bags.
Sometimes even letting your kids watch age-appropriate shows is a big mistake. Showed my kids The Flintstones, and my youngest asked what it was like living with a dinosaur. My 5-year-old pointed at the Flintmobile and said, “is that why your feet look like that?”
Husband: Um, what are you doing?
Me: My doctor said I should do multiple sets of bagels a day to strengthen my pelvic floor
Husband:…
Me, spitting crumbs: I’m almost certain he said bagels
My biggest weakness has been that I get attached very quickly.
~Superglue, probably..
Guy got to the gym a few minutes before I did and asked “Are you ok with listening to metal?” so I was just like “Yeah sure that’s fine” and he put on Fall Out Boy lol
Twitter announced today that they’ve lost 134 million dollars this year. I don’t know if they want us to look for it or what the deal is.
Maybe wear your heart on the other sleeve, that one has mustard on it.
i’m vegetarian, but sometimes i introduce myself as vegan so people will leave me alone
Asking me if I want a bag for the box of tampons I just bought is like asking me if they’re for here or to go.
I’ve never really found myself “in a pickle,” but it sounds quite jarring.