Customer: did you know that when octopuses get mad they throw things at one another?
Me, slowly suspecting my ex might have been an octopus: you don’t say…
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My wife was shocked when she found out I was a bad electrician.
The trick to sneaking a mug full of vodka is to occasionally blow on it like it’s hot.
Me: [sitting on a swing, eating goldfish crackers out of a plastic baggie at the park]
Him: How old is your child?
Me: Child?
Day 126 with no sex. I’ve lost hearing in my right eye
20s: I want to see the world!
40s: If I do all of my food shopping on Sunday I won’t have to go outside for a week.
If anyone is thinking of fighting me, just know I cook bacon topless.
I hope your spoon slides into your soup
If I unfollow you, it’s because of the new follow button or because I don’t like you. Either way I am blaming the new button.
her: the moon is so romantic tonight
me: how
the moon: [brushes hair behind my ear] hey
me: h-[blushing] hey
me: how old is your baby?
her: 46 weeks
me, struggling w/the math: may i offer him a beer?
Last New Year my resolution was 1920×1080 , this year it’s to be less of a nerd.
“Regardless of what Newton said, gravity is just a theory that you humans choose to accept as fact. If you simply refuse to take it as a given, then the whole paradigm shifts. Anyway Brenda, when you’ve got a minute, the litter in my box could really use a change.”
*gets hit by car
**back cracks
Me: Thank you!
Delivering eulogy at o’possum’s funeral: Before I start I’d like to give Jeff a few more minutes to come around.
[Ferrari dealership]
ME: How much for this red one?
SALESMAN: Oh, that’ll cost you a pretty penny
ME: *holding out penny wearing a small wig and lipstick*
SALESMAN: VA-VA-VA-VOOM!
Now would be a really inconvenient time to get divorced because I just had a bunch of stuff monogrammed
police: what are your names?
caspar: don’t tell em, linhardt!
police: so, linhardt…
linhardt: nice one, caspar
police: and caspar…
In a coffee shop ask the person next to you to watch your laptop, but don’t leave. Put on netflix and binge spongebob with your new pal.
I warned my wife the tattooist was no good and sure enough she came back with disappointment written all over her face.
Breaking into my enemies home and eating all their cheese.
“Do you smoke the devil’s lettuce?”
Mom, why the h*ck would I smoke coleslaw
girl: i love philosophy
me: who is ur favorite philosopher
girl: Hume
me: sorry, whom is ur favorite philosopher
My 5yo was talking incessantly in the car and my husband turned the music way up to drown her out and I fell in love all over again.
Anjelica Huston got married to the inventor of autocorrect and now her legal name is Ageless Ice Houseboat.
That which doesn’t kill you better run for its life when you get back on your feet.
People need to wake up and accept that Batman regularly commits tax fraud
9 million cops in this city but only this police roomba is truly capable of cleaning up the streets.
“Honey, it’s time we talk to him about the roaches & the fleas”
“You mean the birds & the bees?”
“DEAR GOD WOMAN HAVE YOU SEEN HIS ROOM!”
Before you decide to have kids, ask yourself: is this apartment goat-friendly?