what are some fun beginner crimes for someone getting into lawlessness
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“Wow he’s good” -possum at the morgue
date: this is so romantic
me: just the two of us
date: and the stars
me: and the moon
the moon: *winks at my date*
me: *narrowing eyes* son of a-
*For those who believe everything they see on social media, kindly watch this.*(👆)
the most semi-awesome vegetable is the rad-ish
MOVIES: Ok, time for bed kiddo.
*child kisses parents and goes to bedMY HOUSE: Time for bed.
*mixed martial acrobatics is now a sport
It’s cute how Taco Bell gives you 2 little peppermints in the bag with your order, like thanks for your order, sorry about the diarrhea.
if you’re not easily offended, why are you even here?
“This is from the both of us”
– my parents giving me mental illness
therapist: you are your own worst enemy
me: undefeated baby
When I’m feeling old, I like to visit my parents so they can push all my buttons until I lose my shit and just like that, I’m 16 again
ME: What are you in for?
CELLMATE: Money laundering.
ME: *lights a cig and takes a long drag* Always check your pockets before washing your clothes.
Pee after storming area 51 or else youll get a ufo
I’m bringing microwave mashed potatoes to my works Thanksgiving lunch because I dont really like any of my coworkers enough to peel potatoes for them.
this lady on tiktok shared that her daughter was getting bullied at school so she set up a meeting with the bully’s parents and the bully. the bully’s mum was rude so she beat up the mum and told the kid “i’ll beat up your mum every day until you stop touching my child.” 😭😭😭
If your phone rings during a movie, answer it “Yes, Mr. President. Right away, sir!” And then run head first through the screen.
Shouldn’t all ghosts be naked? It’s not like your clothes die too.
Captain America is fighting with the Red Skull on Twitter right now. This is too real.
I’m really tired of the LED headlights on some cars. Like I’m really glad you can see 92 miles ahead but the rest of us are blind now.
Him: I’m leaving you
Me: *eating a cantaloupe like an apple* why though
If you think my tweets are horrid, wait until you see the live stream of my colonoscopy
[excerpt from my failed job application]
MILITARY EXPERIENCE?
◽️yes
◽️no
◾️other (please explain)
while I have never served in an armored division I do have several tank tops
Me: throwing a ball
My dog: it is as the prophecy foretold
Alexa, put me to sleep
“soon you will sleep with the fishes. In the meantime, here are ocean sounds”
‘I dunno, maybe just use that image of the girl who’s about to murder her dad’
A good lawyer can generally cite a couple hundred laws off the top of their head and that’s still fewer rules than the games my 11 y/o invents and makes me play with her.
[farm]
SON: *crying*
ME: Look, I told you not to get attached to the animals because eventually we have to eat them
SON *running away*: I HATE YOU!!
ME: He’s taking it pretty hard… but I did warn him
WIFE: None of us thought you meant the dog
16: ‘What was it like when you were growing up?’
Me: *takes cell phone-throws him outside*
‘Be back at six!’16: ‘Wait, Dad I-‘
Me: *slam
Ladies with “finger in their mouth” avis, what’s on your finger? Cake batter? Is it cake batter? Can I have some?
We used to look at my mom like she was crazy when she’d scream at us but now I know this is the only way children can hear you.
Me: I could survive in the wild.
Wife: It took you 9 minutes to open a bag of chips.
Hopefully wild game isn’t wrapped in plastic.