I’m so sick and tired of my friends who can’t handle their alcohol. The other night they dropped me three time while carrying me to the car.
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Therapist: why can’t you introduce your two groups of friends to each other?
Me: [told one group my name was the space cowboy and the other it was the gangster of love] I just can’t ok
Gravestone: If you’re reading this I am dead.
{emergency evacuation}
Police:For the last time you need to leave your house now!
Me:*frantically packing my Golden Girls DVD box set* ok ok
A t-shirt gun outfitted for Costco hotdogs.
2000 years ago:
god: i shall sacrifice my only son so that all may have eternal lifeToday:
god, watching us eat tide pods: jesus christ
A Harry Potter spinoff series that focuses on Hermione’s origin story called Granger Things.
If I didn’t have an imaginary friend as a child does it mean that somewhere at some point in time I WAS the imaginary friend?
Me: *thinking I hear someone breaking in* MY BOYFRIEND’S HERE & I HAVE A GUN
Thief:
Me: THATS RIGHT, BOYFRIEND
Thief:
Me:
Thief:
Me: OK WE’RE TAKING A BREAK BECAUSE HE’S TRYING TO REASSESS HIS EMOTIONAL PRIORITIES BUT I DO HAVE A GUN
Thief:
Me:
Thief:
Me: OK IT’S A BOOMERANG
Why does my mustard bottle insist on peeing in my sandwich before dispensing my mustard?
My pants embarrassed me in front of a chick again. How many times must I tell them that it’s rude to point???
financial advisor: what are your retirement goals?
me:
me folding laundry: ugh another sock is missing
puppet on my hand: how does that keep happening
The brake is on the left, the gas peddle is on the right, & the liquor store is 4 miles ahead.
-Me teaching my 3yr old niece how to drive
This milk is so far past its expiration date that I’m only going to have a small slice.
Him: I bet you’re good in bed.
Me: Oh hell yeah I am. I sleep solid as a rock!
Kidnappers: *repeatedly dropping me as I slip through their grip*
Me: *earnestly apologizing for how sweaty I get during social interactions*
All I’m saying is pulling a lion out of your hat is actually much more impressive than pulling a rabbit out of your hat.
So we’re agreed: if that balloon flies over any of us, we moon it like it’s 1978
too old for tik tok, too young for facebook, too weird for linkedin, not weird enough for reddit, too ugly for instagram…where will i go now
I caught myself in the mirror eating a peach and instantly realized why so many people have boundaries with me.
ME: we wave at each other just about every morning but I always seem to forget your name…it’s Gary, right?
NEIGHBOR: Deborah
bank robber: everyone on the ground and drop whatever is in your hands!!
me: [holding a $9 Starbucks coffee, a tear rolls down my cheek] no
ME: There are 18 sheep.
RANCHER: Round ‘em up!
ME: There are 20 sheep.
Once a teacher said nobody was buying my cool guy act but he dropped his clipboard and there was a drawing of me in sunglasses on it.
I accidentally squirted body spray in my mouth and now I speak with an Axe scent.
Maybe my threats will be more effective if, after I mentioned all the people I’ve killed, I don’t say, “in RuneScape.”
The wife says she’s at the end of her rope, I guess I’ll put rope on my shopping list.
GOOGLE USER: What are symptoms of skin cancer
GOOGLE: 20% off best skin cancer now
The evolutionary process has created crabs five independent times throughout the course of history. Humans are not the pinnacle of evolution. Evolution wants crabs.
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