Someone’s hair in my food: bad, disgusting, indicative of chaos behind the scenes
My own hair in my food: hey it happens, welcome home my son, spend as much time in my mouth as you need
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Now she’s falling asleep, and I’m calling a crab.
My birthday is 9 months after the release of the movie Grease. So now I have to live with the truth that I was conceived while John Travolta was singing.
Did we ever get rid of that ozone layer or are we still worried about that
They said the kids that bullied me in school would be pumping my gas one day but 1 just got a modeling contract who do I talk to about this
I suspect that my cat has plans to kill me, but has just never been awake long enough to carry them out.
Advantage: human.
BOUNCER: No, you’re not getting in, just go home
ME: *slips him some money*
BOUNCER: What’s this?
ME *whispering so my friends don’t hear* thank you
Someone on TikTok asked if people with office jobs just sit at our computers all day and answer emails
Obviously that’s not true
We also have meetings about the emails and then write emails about the meetings
Kids these days, I tell ya
[standing at the hospital nursery window with other new parents]
ME: this zoo is terrible
“I’m hungry. Except for anything you made. There’s no way I’m eating that.”
– Kids
[I die and appear in a mysterious place]
me: woah, is this heaven or hell?
guy: here’s a giant plate of linguine
me: must be heaven!
guy: you have to eat it without the twirl technique
me: aw hell
Stick around after sticking around after the Thor 2 credits. Very realistic 3D of a theater manager telling you to leave.
Before Geronimo was born in 1829 what the hell did people yell when they jumped off things?
No thanks, Downward dog.
I’m already busy with Downward spiral.
What’s it called when you plant a ghost pepper plant and when it starts making peppers you don’t eat them because you’re afraid they’ll be too hot?
I’m that
Alright pregnant ladies-this is YOUR BIG DAY!!!!!!
#LaborDay
My dog tried to put one paw on the floor instead of the scale when she was being weighed and I was like, “I got you girl”
‘What just cracked?’
A guide to aging.
After years of beta testing, my body is ready to launch OS X Cougar.
“I do not negotiate with little kids”
My husband, right before he broke down and gave the kid what he wanted
Turns out there’s quite a bit of noise, when entire generations of people learn that the best and only way to send a message is via tantrum.
If your kids are getting on your nerves you can take them sledding and watch them face plant into the snow for a sense of justice.
I’ll stick with papa johns 🤣🤣🤣
I asked my mom what she wanted today and she said “she just wanted me to be happy,” so I’m on ecstasy petting a dolphin right now.
We’re going to the national aquarium tomorrow and we just learned they have a no stroller policy, “for safety.” When my 2yo attacks the sharks I expect they’ll change that policy
the prophecy has been fulfilled
If I were British I would carry around a monicle and drop it whenever I was horrified
[Bank robbery]
*Other robbers jump into getaway van* “DRIVE! DRIVE! DRIVE!”
“Okie dokie.” * Starts to adjust mirrors*
Tired of the cults I join going bankrupt so now I ask to see the prophet and loss statement.
[50 YEARS FROM NOW]
Homemade hand sanitizer, just like Mama used to make.