Him: Want to play Trivial Pursuit?
Me: Sure. But I guarantee you’ll win. I’m not that smart.
Him: Want to play strip Trivial Pursuit?
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I was sad to have to throw my son out of home, but it was either him or the cat.
Today’s office game is “Am I having auditory hallucinations in the bathroom or is someone sitting in the big stall watching videos on their phone?”
I told my boyfriend to show me pictures of my outfits that I ordered and I for sure was not expecting this…
280 characters, baby, and you know what that means:
OXFORD COMMAS.
OXFORD COMMAS AS FAR AS THE EYE CAN SEE!
Me: my personality is broken I’m here to buy a new one
Psychiatrist: that’s not how therapy works-
Me: [slides $20] I want to be cool
Me: I need a word for food between courses at a meal
Wife: intercourse?
Me: not now Margaret, I’m trying to think
The most embarrassing thing about mistaking pilates class for pirates class is concealing my musket.
doctor: you have a brain disorder that causes you to give the most ridiculous responses to serious news
wife: [crying]
me: that’s a spicy meatball
Embarrassed that our 8 year old walked into the bedroom at 2am and saw us pulling the blanket to hide our phones and cheese sticks.
13 just did his laundry without provocation.
I’m sure he wants something, but he’s scaring the hell out of me.
Spiders: Nature’s reminder that you are, in fact, a little girl.
Elevator sex is a logistical nightmare on many levels.
Safety inspector: I found two major issues with your Death Star. For one thing, there are no railings.
Grand Moff Tarkin: We believe railings would detract from the austerity of our bottomless chasms.
Safety inspector: That brings us to my second issue…
It wasn’t a crisis until my mother heard about it.
Stayed up to watch the clock go from 1:59 to 1:00 am because you know, time travel
*Librarian walks in* You know what’s great kids? You don’t need wifi to read a book!
*Kids boo*
*Someone in the crowd yells “NERD”*
Sometimes I think about Adam and Eve and how they couldn’t even get a babysitter.
[contacting you by Ouija board after murdering you]
AND ANOTHER THING
Wooden toothpicks are great for when you have something stuck in your teeth but you also want something else stuck in your teeth
Condiments that would be cute baby names:
Dijon
Sriracha
Cholula
Caesar
Aioli
Wasabi
Tabasco (Tabby for short)
Honey Mustard
GENIE 1: he wanted money so i made him a bank robber, ha
GENIE 2: i just…gave mine money
GENIE 1: LMAO YOU GUYS, JERRY JUST GAVE IT TO HIM
I’m seriously considering taking up falconry. Someone pisses me off? BAM! Falcon, right in the face.
I don’t hate anyone. I just don’t like people.
I told my aunt I love cooking with my Instapot, and judging by these edible recipes she just sent me she may have misunderstood.
Every smiling face in a conga line is pleading with you, “Please join our conga line, or we’ll feel stupid.” I didn’t start this mess. Get yourselves out of it.
My Mom: I like that actor Tom Hiddleston. What was he in?
Me: Taylor Swift for a while.
The horror when you realize you’ve drunk DMd a picture, the relief when you see it’s you holding your neighbor’s new puppy.
I’m far to under qualified for adult life and feel like I was promoted to manager far too quickly