What’s your favorite song?-Me, to a baby wearing a Metallica shirt at the grocery store.
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My kid is going on an overnight class trip and I told Jenny’s mom I was so excited and she was like “but then we can’t wait for them to get back” and then my face did a funny thing and my fingers accidentally deleted Jenny’s Mom from my phone
ME: it’s horrible. I would wish it on my worst enemy
GUY: you mean *wouldn’t*
ME: hahahahahaha you’re sweet
My toxic trait is my personality or so I’ve been told.
pete davidson, pete davidfather, pete davidholyghost
If you’re pretty, you’re pretty; but the only way to be beautiful is to be loving. Otherwise, it’s just “congratulations about your face.”
3am
Me: *wakes up for no reason*
Anxiety and Insomnia: *fighting*
Bladder: We should pee.
Stomach: PEANUT BUTTER!
(saying something slightly ambiguous on the internet) ah i could’ve phrased that better but i’ll probably get the benefit of the doubt from thousands of strangers who only come here to get pissed off
Nothing gets you out of the Christmas mood faster than wrapping gifts.
My greatest fear is waking up after being buried alive so I’ve decided to be cremated
*wakes up in cremation oven*
I’m still waiting for the day my patents will say:
“It’s all fake son, we’re millionaires, this was just to teach you how to be humble.
*writing dating profile*
Me: I’m like a good coffee, rich and smooth…
Friend: Oh strong start
Me: …Mysterious and aromatic…
Friend: Ok maybe stop with the coffee thing
Me: …bitter and makes you poop…
Friend: *unplugging my wifi*
If you guys could choose between finding the love of your life and always having free internet access, what porn site would you visit first?
I just feel like you shouldn’t be using a selfie stick unless you’re a T-Rex.
Just spent 3 hours doing yard work *
* Looking for my gloves in the shed
If you find my upper lip mole sexy, wait till you see the dark spot on my MRI.
I wish I could veto my bills.
Welcome to my home! No you’re mistaken, it isn’t a mess, it’s just gallery-style so you can see everything we own at once. Watch your step.
If I start learning from my mistakes how will anyone recognize me ?
WEAR CLOTHES OTHERS DARE NOT.
Naughty at 40 is a hoax
Welcome to age of joint pains and loads of stress
With the rise in grocery prices my cashier now asks if I’m ready before giving me the total, the answer is always no but I appreciate his sensitivity
I don’t claim to understand the science behind it, but I can absolutely state with one hundred percent certainty that I am playing a key role in the ongoing survival of the human race by making sure that each and every morning, without fail, I put my left shoe on before my right.
Autocorrect is definitely just that kid in class who would very confidently yell out wrong answers
*A tiny bee’s eyes widen while putting on his tuxedo for his big day* “did you say Honeymoon”
“Where do babies comes from?”
Well, son, when a man and a woman love each other very much they make poor decisions.
[in bed]
Me: Don’t you love being on top?
Date: *peering down from top bunk* this isn’t what I had in mind
Me: shhh, you’re gonna wake my mom
carnivorous animals (thinking): i’m hungry… i could really go for something smaller than me. an animal which is smaller than me would hit rn…
AMERICA, EVERY WEEKEND: I just wanna Netflix and Chill lol.
THE WEEKEND EVERYONE NEEDS TO STAY INSIDE: It’s my God-given right to go outside and lick whatever I want.
[Psychiatrist’s Office]
ME: So do I just lie on the couch over here?
PSYCHIATRIST: Actually this works much better if you tell the truth.