*loses one contact on way to gym, gets there to find my membership has expired*
Me: [one eye blinking uncontrollably] I guess I’ll come back after I renew.
Manager: *winking back* This workout is on me.
You Might Also Like
Make every hug more interesting by mysteriously whispering, “the Dark Lord stands at the crossroads
The 70’s called. They built a time phone.
Headed to a wedding but my wife said I’m not allowed to refer to the bride as ‘the veiled threat.’
[crime scene]
BATMAN: Who the hell are you?
MANBAT: Who the hell are YOU?
BATMAN: I’m Batman. A man who dresses like a bat.
MANBAT: I’m Manbat. A bat who dresses like a man.
[BATBAT arrives]
BATBAT: Who the hell are you two?
[NASA press conf]
“good news: we found a cat on Mars”
REPORTER: & the bad news?
“[recalls Curiosity rover running it over] uh it’s sleeping”
I lost my job as a surgeon.
Apparently, I shouldn’t have left unfinished work over the weekend.
[first day as a waiter]
me: do you have any questions
customer: *pointing at menu* how is this prepared
me: we laminate sheets of paper listing the food choices
*leaves social media, covers webcam with tape, installs encryption software, resets passwords, dons tinfoil hat*
Try and spy on me now!
*ad for Reynolds Wrap pops up in my browser*
SON OF A
The best thing about going to my Parents at the weekend is my Mum’s meatloaf.
She can’t do the voice but she looks just like him.
Unsuspecting male: So what kind of restaurants do you like?
Me: Open ones.
Why’s it called landing a husband? Are single men floating just above me like airplanes, and does getting engaged require an air traffic control certification
Million dollar idea: App that mutes all crying babies, barking dogs, and car horns in movies.
no i don’t want to “continue building new friendships in my community” i want to “force all my old friends to move to wherever i happen to be, ideally on adjoining properties” why is that a problem????
HER: I’m from outside London.
ME: Nearly the entire world is outside London.
Having one bathroom in your house teaches you that it is possible to hate a person because of a bathroom.
I didn’t ask to be the “bad boy” of professional tennis. Probably why it never happened.
Aliens only abduct the people that are already nuts so no one will believe them when they try and tell everyone
Well there goes my Wednesday night.
I’m not saying my kids come to me for everything but if I was on fire & my husband was 10 feet away, they’d still ask me for a snack.
OF COURSE IT’S A GENUINE BEETHOVEN! Look at those brush strokes, the stunning use of colour.
The mood took a dark turn when I intercepted the wedding bouquet and ran it back for a touchdown.
My daughter asked me what it’s like to have kids so I interrupted her every 11 seconds until she cried.
*tries hard*
*fails*
*tries flaccid*
[screaming from my front porch] You teens get off my lawn and register to vote!
Give me five hundred good reasons you think I’m too demanding.
Me: smells good, what’s cooking?
Wife: bacon
Me: *rolls eyes* wHat’s BaKiNg
Everyone makes mistakes. Please make yours far from me.
imagine a store where you can steal anything for free. if you steal it, it’s yours. to make it exciting, if you get caught, they arrest you
if it smells like bullshit & looks like bullshit, it probably is bullshit. Putting sugar on it doesn’t make it a brownie.
Hey don’t get mad at us just because Generation X got the cool nickname