Dear people who question why girls go to the bathroom together – Hermione went alone and got attacked by a troll
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I’m doing crunches twice a day now…
Captain in the morning…
Nestle in the afternoon.
Cops said my blood alcohol level was above the legal limit which is crazy because I don’t even drink blood alcohol.
[At the Dr]
Me: but the voices won’t stop.
Dr: those are people, they’re allowed to talk.
What did u do last night?
Me: I drowned my swallows in whiskey
Don’t u mean sorrows?
Me [covering tub of dead birds]: is that the saying?
I think it was the second time my mom dropped me on my head that made me what I am.
Just saw a grasshopper jump on cement.
THEY’RE EVOLVING.
If you have streaks of purple, green or blue in your hair, I will try to eat that cotton candy off your head until you tell me to stop.
Got banned for life from rap battling for repeated use of the word dingus.
Tv: He is in cardiac arrest
My Kid: That’s just silly, how will they put handcuffs on his heart
Me: I’m starting to realize how you failed anatomy
firemen keep harvesting my cat tree
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Blockbuster: 😭 yes
TV Anchor: I don’t have my Halloween costume yet but it’s going to be cool and wet!
Me: Wow you go girl!
TVA: turning to weather…
M: Oh…
Looking at food photos online may help curb overeating: study
Me: Can I use it for my socials?
Mugshot Photographer: No.
parents love texting “call me as soon as you can.” then being like “i just wanted to know if you’d seen westworld”
I received many personality traits from my mom, but she got her short temper from me.
My 7YO is either very shy in front of people, or she’s already given them our social security numbers
EMPEROR PENGUIN: [addressing huddled penguins] The hairless ape’s fires melt our icy kingdom…no more
*raises sword*
FLIGHTLESS NOT FIGHTLESS
[First day on the job with Scooby-Doo and the gang]
Me: ok this giant dog keeps eating my sandwiches
I’ve spent the last six months trying to find my Mother-In-Law’s killer, but no one is willing to do it.
Do you also get pissed off when you walk into a public restroom and someone else is there and you have to wash your hands? Just me then
Newlywed advice: Grab the covers on the first night and tuck them under your side like you’re staking down a tent
Cat: Grrrrrplukk…Grrrrrplukk…Grrrrrplukk…Grrrrrplukk… [ *Coughs up hairball* ]
Dog: You gonna eat that?
Princess: I shall marry whomever of you is the bravest
Suitors: [all awkwardly look at the toaster]
Spice up any Facebook comment with random quotation marks.
“Congrats” on your baby.
Congrats on “your” baby.
Congrats on your “baby”.
The best way to express your disagreement is by slapping people with a fish.
I don’t know what this is or why this is but it is and what I want is for it to be elsewhere
-Me about my kid’s toys
Me: You got that talent from me!
13yo: Don’t take credit for my genuis!
Computer backup systems are expensive so I include “Death To America” in my email signature & the NSA backs up everything I’ve ever written.
911: ‘911 what’s your emergency?’
Me *mumbles ‘I just got to the nursery and they replaced all the kids with PLANTS!’
911: *click