[The Rapture]
Me: *trapped on the ceiling like a balloon*
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can’t stop thinking about pink camo as a concept. the lore of where you’d need pink camo to survive the wilderness under cover. I want to go to there.
Every liquor store should sell lemons, limes, and oranges!!!!!!!!!
Driving home with my kids & my son didn’t like the song I was listening to. He said, “Thank God we’re 10 seconds from home!” & then I took the long way home because that’s what good parents do.
Insomniacs who are not afraid of the dark have nighty-night problems but the pitch ain’t one.
“Why do raisins have an expiration date? What’s gonna happen, they get shrivelier??”
Interviewer:…
“Oh you mean questions about the job!”
Unless the girl is hot, when she asks how I want my hair cut, I’ll say “In silence”
My kid glued a jenga block to the wall like some kind of hunting trophy, and now I’m going to have to tell people it’s modern art because I can’t get it to come off
@funTweeters “Bird Box 2” 2019. Rated:R. Run time: 6 minutes 11 seconds. Plot: Nightmarish aliens who invaded Earth and have killed, or forced into hiding, most of the population commit mass suicide after encountering the one force they didn’t count on…Chuck Norris.
I wonder if Pink’s parents are named Red and White.
Taking my roomba out back because I suspect it’s been reporting back to Bezos
me: dating is tough, lot of weirdos out there
me on a date: so here’s everything i know about the jonestown massacre
Nature show: pythons can grow over 20 feet
Me: they’re gonna need so many shoes
I know I’m gorgeous, young and sexy. My secret to eternal youth is a steamy bathroom, so my glasses mist up.
prince of whales, doo doo doo doo doo doo
My mom loves telling people that I practically raised myself. I used to think she was proud of my independence, but now I realize she’s been distancing herself from blame.
ANDY: I clarified your butter.
ME: Ghee! Thanks!
Im bored… I think I’ll go to the mall, find a great parking spot and sit in my car, with the reverse lights on…
When I say “I’m open to feedback” I mean “I accept compliments.”
Everytime I see my see my neighbors having sex in their hot tub, I think to myself “I can’t believe I’m recording this”
He was a koi.
She was a squirrel.
Can I make it any less obvious?
“Hi. Remember me?”
“Uh… yeah.”
“Remember we talked about you leaving the birdseed on the ground?”
“Uh…”
“Because I remember.”
“It’s cool. We’re cool. I can fix it right now.”
“I wouldn’t want to have to remind you again. That might be bad for you.”
I don’t use Tinder, I meet girls the old school way: never
When I die, please bury me wrapped in a sheet. That way I won’t have to look for one when I become a ghost
My favorite part of yesterday was when the cashier at Whole Foods couldn’t price an item & said “Here just take it I hate this fuckin place”
I wanted to go see the Queen reunion concert but I am just a poor boy from a poor family…
5:00 pm: birds are amazing, I wish I had more time to enjoy nature
5:00 am: I want to murder every living bird
“Your optimism for the future makes me think you’re not paying attention.”
My mum: It’s a baby shower. Just write “congratulations”.
good morning to everyone except the people who make TV shows that include critical dialogue being messaged between characters which is nearly impossible for the viewers to read