ME: I’m so happy, I could treat a horse!
WIFE: *sighs* That’s not a saying
[spoon-feeding ice cream to horse] Don’t listen to her Mr Butters
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Angel: Awww babies are so cute!
God: Make them scream
Angel: W-why?
God: DO I TELL YOU HOW TO DO YOUR JOB CARL?
*Uses public restroom
**Squats so long walks out with buns of steel
“The house always wins,” muttered Dorothy as she stared at the witch’s crushed body.
cop: you were driving 30 mph under the speed limit
me: my in-laws are staying with us for a while, longer the commute the better
cop: you need to maintain the speed limit
me: *knocks book out of cops hands*
cop: are you trying to get arrested
me: yes please
If a really late person marries a really early person they’ll produce an on time child. In theory.
Someone is selling a rot iron table on Craigslist ..wonder If they would trade for a dictionary
No trip to Home Depot is complete without at least two more trips to Home Depot for what you didn’t know you needed to buy the first time.
The first “cowboy” was a hideous creature, born of irresponsible science.
Wish we had the power of at least one ‘do over’ in our lives. I used mine up in the 1st grade and winning at hopscotch wasn’t worth it.
I update my Facebook picture to a jail mugshot over the holidays so my family will go visit someone else.
me: remember how i was talking about getting a xylophone
[doctor holds up my x-ray] where the hell are your ribs?
me: im trying to tell you
*Tears off break away pants as I approach the breakfast buffet*
Why is it someone is always refinancing their mortgage in the self checkout in front of me?
watching pre pandemic television during the pandemic
I’d hang this in my house.
Wife: You only half-listen to me. You’re in a boatload of trouble.
Me: Yes, let’s buy a boat.
Drive thru window one: “Can I have a name for your order?”
Me: “Free.”
Drive thru window two: “I have an order for Free.”
Me: “Thanks!”
*drives away quickly*
Holy Communion:
PRIEST:”This is the body of Christ. Take it ”
ME:”Uum,can I instagram it first?”
*We laughed & then I was excommunicated*
new challenge called “don’t say ‘woow it’s already dark by five these days’ for the rest of winter” challenge
The cool thing about having young kids is that they will straight up tell you which parent they love more without anyone even asking.
If you need anything you can call me any time of the day or night. I won’t answer and my ringer will be off, so it won’t bother me at all.
What if Bing is just a guy in his office Googling stuff for you and doing his best
Does anyone else picture a person actually “squatting” in a house when someone says there’s “squatters” there? or is that just me?
Child: [eating cereal]
Me [looking at table]: WOW. Not a single piece of cereal spilled on the table?! Nice job.
Child: Thank you.
Me [taking a step]: *crunch*
Child:
Me: There it is.
3-year-old: *sits at the table forever without touching anything*
Me: *eats one cold chicken nugget*
3: THAT WAS MINE!
Got kicked out of the grocery store again for reenacting the pottery scene from Ghost with a wheel of cheese.
I dunno, maybe stop playing “Unchained Melody” on the loud speaker and we won’t keep having this problem
[spelling bee]
Your word is “spider”
Can you use it in a sentence?
“A spider has eight eyes.”
[kid smiles]
Spider. S-P-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-D-E-R
If you didn’t bring enough cough syrup for everyone, maybe don’t drink it in front of us, Gary.