I stopped smoking cigarettes six years go.
I eat them now.
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I’m good in short bursts like grenades or gamma radiation.
These lovely people in a very nice car stopped by our house to buy a bike and they looked horrified the entire time, and it was only as they left that I remembered I had strung a bunch of literal animal bones in the trees for a Halloween party.
Like there is almost no cell service where we live we can’t do this to people.
*distant Yogizilla noises getting louder*
If I chase you, it’s most definitely with a chainsaw.
Did you know?
Baby kangaroos are called joeys because they are the enforcers for the Marsupial Mafia.
Working hard at building up my self confidence! (that’s what I named my new Lego set)
The lady from HR challenged me to name one of my boss’s good qualities and the best I could come up with is “he’s biodegradable”
there there son
*crouches down & wipes his tears*
its ok, dont go crying over spilt mil– YOU GOT IT ON THE XBOX!? no NO. call 911. CALL 911
due to the pandemic “following up” is currently suspended. if you try to “circle back” with me i will call the police
Amidst a decrease in airfare prices, WestJet has hiked the cost of checked bags and Flair has added a new credit card fee. Thankfully, Air Canada has stepped up and is offering an additional 50% off of your legroom!
I made smoochie face and noises at a deer yesterday and he ran.
That is why I don’t flirt
Work meetings would be a lot more fun if they took place in a giant McDonalds ball pit
Not sure how to cuddle propawly
📹 absolute_kaos1 | IG
is this meant to deter me
If you eat enough hershey kisses, you can reform the wrappers into a kiss and replace it in the bowl. This is less funny if you live alone.
Me: Accept your flaws. You’ll feel better. It worked for me.
Her: You accepted your flaws?
Me: No. I accepted your flaws.
Nintendo say they are protecting children from inappropriate language online by making their voice chat app so bad that nobody will use it
[dinner time]
ME: *puts baby in a lifeguard chair*
WIFE: not that high
So in conclusion, the zoo would not adopt my children.
Koala bears can sleep up to 20 hours a day, which means they’re only a few hours short of having a perfect day.
what’s the funniest celebrity name if you swap their initials? I’m torn between Wenzel Dashington and Hom Tanks
Me: I’m gonna lose weight.
Me: I’m gonna exercise every day.
Me: I’m gonna go on a diet and stick to it.
Me: Is that cake?
Help me Obi Won Bacardi, I’m sobering up.
Crazy that in 2017 auto-flush toilets still can’t distinguish between someone who’s peeing and someone crouching down to get a sip of water.
Why do girls keep having periods when they hate them? Just stop having them , do what makes you happy ❤️
Weird how people say that gay marriage will lead to people marrying dogs, but the 2nd amendment is never gonna give dogs guns.
I could tell my beard needed a trim when I started seeing some of the pictures my 6yo was drawing of me.
(Avoids bear attack by spraying him in the face with Axe Body Spray)
Bear: *crying and coughing* Why?
Coffee: Because when you’re groggy and barely coherent, the first thing you should do is handle a scalding hot cup of liquid.
It started out How did it end
with a Sith up like this?