My daughter has decided to teach our kitten to laugh.
I may have over sold the “you can do anything you set your mind to” narrative.![]()
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the UK fascinates me because what sort of place can’t commit to a Prime Minister for three months but remains committed to the idea that fried blood sausage is an acceptable breakfast item for 600 years
Whoever has my voodoo doll, please pull it’s hand out of its pants.
Order here:
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I waitress because if I don’t get screamed at twice a day about condiments, I don’t feel like I have put in an honest days work.
Don’t watch nature documentaries with me unless you want more information than the narration provides.
Cupcakes are for people who don’t have the dedication and stamina to eat a whole cake!
Losers.
Just played that Facebook game where an app tells you what state you’re best suited to be in and I was disappointed it didn’t say unconscious.
That blue kool-aid that barbers keep their combs in tastes funny.
As a holiday tradition on Christmas Day, all Christmas presents are checked with our drug dog.
Those deemed suspicious, are mine.
My uncle brought out a range of women’s nightwear that’s so ugly he’s being sued for gross negligées
‘Head, shoulders, knees and toes’ used to be a lot more cheery when I wasn’t singing about what hurt on a morning.
There’s a girl that I hate in my office that’s white but looks like ‘Precious’. I’ve been calling her “Pressure” & blaming my farts on her.
I feel sorry for all those girls bragging that they don’t have a gag reflex. They’ll probably die choking on an Olive Garden bread stick.
My husband is a dentist now! At least he acts like one asking me questions while I’m very obviously brushing my teeth.
My knee just cracked so loudly that I half expect it to glow in the dark tonight.
My TC has found the love of her life. Her husband disagrees but her boyfriend is happy. I am so conflicted right now 😭
Mom: What’s going on in there?
Me: Nothing mom, just watching women’s tennis
Them: “How’s your diet going?”
Me: *slowly eats a powdered donut while maintaining eye contact*
when someone is in a Christmas eve panic, I always find that “well maybe you should have thought of that sooner” is a helpful phrase
When a kidnapper gives you* back because you’re too annoying to be around anymore, that’s called getting ridnapped
*me
My 6 year old doesn’t like it when I take her out on her scooter, but to be honest she shouldn’t stand in my way when I ride it
Remember, you can disappear into the woods whenever you want. You’re an adult.
CINDERELLA: were you always my fairy godmother
FAIRY GODMOTHER: yes, always
CINDERELLA: so you watched my stepmother horribly mistreat me for years and did nothing
FAIRY GODMOTHER:
CINDERELLA:
FAIRY GODMOTHER:
CINDERELLA:
FAIRY GODMOTHER: look what i can do to this pumpkin
I want my kids to know they can always talk to me about anything going on in their lives.
Except Fortnite.
I like my wedding soup made with real bickering.
DR: call me with any questions
[phone rings 20 min later]
DR: hello…?
ME: you like dogs?
Moms have an amazing superpower: we can speak at full volume without anyone hearing us.
It’s not often I get to relive my youth, but today one of the guys at the gym said he drank so much protein shake he felt sick so I said he got wheysted and then he stuffed me into a locker.
Kids: *misbehaving in public*
Me: Keep it up and I’ll get my breakdancing cardboard out of the trunk.
sometimes work CAN be fun, like reading through a long, complicated email and realizing you have zero responsibility for it so you can immediately forward to the person that does while laughing