My kids are teenagers, and I’ve found the same thing fixes their bad moods as when they were toddlers: a snack and a nap.
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You’ve just ordered Pizza Hut and a 2L Mountain Dew. You’ve loaded up Diablo on your PC. No school tomorrow. Your parents don’t care if you stay up all night long. A perfect Summer night. You are 39 years old. The year is 2023.
Isn’t
Running Up That Hill by Kate Bush plays as the camera pans to me chasing an ice cream truck in my flip flops.
Cashier: Need to see some ID
Me: You get a lot of 20yo guys buying tampons, diapers, grapes & whiskey?
Cashier: Yup
Me: Ok, here you go then
First, they came for the lettuce… and I said nothing because I don’t eat lettuce.
Then, they came for the kale… and I said nothing because I don’t eat kale.
Then they came for the fries…
and I said, OH. HELL. NO.
My pal said, “Cheer up, you could be stuck underground in a hole full of water.”
I know he means well.
Relationship Status:
My dog was just licking my ear.
I didn’t stop her.
I’m so hungry that I can eat a Centaur
nurse: she’s dead
me: let’s see SWEET CAROLINE
nurse: what-
me: shhhhh
patient: [faintly] ba ba ba
me: nope
Joker: Want to know how I got these scars?
Me: Did you try to hug a squirrel? Because, you know, been there.
Joker: No I…wait, what?
I use a wheelchair. When someone asks the person I’m with “What’s her name?” I tell the person I’m with to say “Your guess is as good as mine.”
When I’m mad at my dog, I watch dog shows on Animal Planet and ignore him.
*bumpes into my ex on the street
*dials a number
Hello, Satan? Dude I thought we had an agreement?!
A date sounds nice but you’ll need to bring a friend for my parole officer.
Why isn’t there a squirrel week, Discovery Channel?
I’m about to get my 5yo her own phone just so she’ll stop screwing up my YouTube algorithm
I hate the number 7 like “ohh look at me I’m all prime and lucky ohhhh”. You’re just a wonky 1, grow up already
My teen says she is not able to wake up before 10 AM, so I’m going to make the most of this time…blow dry my hair, vacuum her room, test the foghorn.
Kids don’t like to go to bed, and that’s how you know that they’re stupid.
Bartender – Would you like to try our pumpkin beer?
Me – Can I have a different bartender please?
[Folding my wife’s laundry after 7 years]
Pile 1 – I have folded these correctly
Pile 2 – I think I have folded these correctly
Pile 3 – I have no idea how to fold these
Pile 4 – I don’t even know what these are
I’ve been inventing problems to hide the fact that I spend all my time on twitter. But it’s cool because now my kid thinks I know how to fix the leaky drip tray on the piano and can properly set a fallen eagle’s broken wing.
Ben: I’m trying to read, you’re in my light
Me: Because I am a Solo eclipse!
Ben: Dad I swear to-
Me: I am blocking the light of the son!
I like to finish other people’s sentences because
my version is better.
Nobody:
Every dad at the zoo: look I found your real family
Sorry I can’t make it, I asked my toddler if he wanted help putting on his shoes he answered “yes I don’t”
my cousin’s baby is due tomorrow & my grandma keeps checkin her phone for news. waitin for the baby 2 text her like “im here lol. from baby”
My boss: Do you have Twitter?
Me: Spell it for me, I’ll search my apps.