Finished the cable concealer project. Finally my wife will be so proud of me
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I like big MUTTS & I cannot lie
U other breeders can’t deny
When a dog walks in with a pretty mixed race & spots all on its face it gets PET
I’m going to go to a carpet store and act like “Crystal Mauve” is a color that everybody knows.
Exercised.
Burned 94 calories.
Exercise made me hungry.
Ate 940 calories.
I pick up my dog’s poop with empty Snickers wrappers. What I do with it afterwards is strictly on a need-to-know basis.
Me: [starts singing quietly to myself while doing dishes]
My 5-year-old, who regularly screams for no reason: Stop that
The word “brewery” sounds like a drunk guy slurring a better word
Narrator: We’ve replaced her mace with Axe body spray…let’s watch
[camera zooms in]
Woman: *SPRAYS purse snatcher in his face*
Him: AHHHHHHHHHHhhhey girl, whassup? *winks*
Threw my back out due to overwhelming sensuality again.
No…no. Just leave your shirt here and let’s go look for Bigfoot.
~ whiskey
me: my doctor said to replace oil with applesauce to be healthier
mechanic: [looking at my car’s smoking engine] i think he just meant in food
I have an Architectural Engineering Degree, but every Christmas present I wrap looks like Picasso painted a picture of it.
FRIEND: What do you think?
ME: *passing joint* Hell yes!
Danny: I got chills, there multiplying.
Sandy: *they’re
Ordered our meals entirely in French, impressing my date and baffling the Applebee’s server.
[astronaut test]
Before you begin, questions?
[hand raised]
“Is it true the moon is cheese?”
Are you that damn mouse again?
[mouse runs out]
Watching cross country skiing is as entertaining as watching a person ride an elliptical
Come back after dark. Bring your friends
The way my kids use sunscreen they’ll never get a sunburn on their bathroom floor
My wife loves the sexy bulge in my sweatpants.
Until I realized she was referring to my wallet.
This is a friendly reminder to go drink water you dehydrated bean
My warrior status is dramatically reduced every time I check my phone to see what I ordered instead of opening the box.
I thought I might be pregnant.
It turns out I’m just three months fat.
You see two puppies.
“Awwwww!”
But they’re cannibal puppies!
“Ahhhhhhh!”
One puppy eats the other!
“Ewwwww!”
Then he takes a nap.
“Awwwww!”
Elton John: Mars ain’t the kind of place to raise your kids
Elon Musk: *narrows eyes*
coward
Sometimes when I get a compliment I stop, moonwalk out of the room and yell “Thank You “just to leave them hanging.
I don’t want well-wishes for international women’s day, I want a dragon.
This is exactly why pilots do a ‘walk around’ prior to flying. If not, the low tyre pressure on this aircraft (left in picture) would not have been detected. #Safety
The Purge but instead of all crime being legal all cheese related products are free
We get it, cacti, you have great biceps.
[pronounces testosterone like macaroni]