Apparently this weekend there will be constant rane, hale, gails, drissle, thundre, litnin, hy tydes, tawnaydoes and frizzing colde.
Really bad spell of wether.
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Wife: Do you love me just because my father left me a fortune?
Husband: Not at all honey, I would love you no matter who left you the money.
CAT: Can u check my blood pressure?
DR DOG: *places cuff around cat’s neck* Sure
CAT: Shouldnt that go on m-
DR DOG: *inflating cuff* Ssshhh
I slip the nun 30 bucks and real quiet-like ask to see the “strong orphans.”
[at ultrasound]
Wife: omg so what is it?
Me: it’s a baby.
Wife: I know that.
Me: then why did you ask?
Wife:
Doctor: yes then why did you ask?
a BIG dipper ? in this astronomy ?
[scene of car accident]
bystander: is your baby ok
me: no he’s a complete jerk
[gently waking my Mom] I think I left my feather earring at bingo last night
Patient: There’s blood everywhere. It was horrific.
911 Dispatcher: And you said the hypnotist did this?
Patient: I think so. I was asleep.
911: Any idea what set him off?
Patient: I dunno. He just snapped.
Him: (on phone) Why are you single? Me: (watching a movie about a killer tire) I don’t know.
[January 1st]
Moon: whatcha gonna do today
Earth: START A REVOLUTION
I just saw a sign that said “if you can plan for a wedding, you can plan for a natural disaster” and in my mind those two things are the same things
I was trying to get the bubbles out of my screen protector and I accidentally bought a horse on eBay.
*proposes to girlfriend, accidentally dropping the ring in the ocean*
“I’ll still marry you”
No. I’m married to the sea now
*dives in*
ME: What does synonym mean?
MY MOM: It’s another word for something[Later on date]
ME: You wanna get synonym from the dessert menu, Sharon?
There are plenty of fish in the sea.
There are also sharks, giant isopods, oil spills, Flight 370, and Somali pirates.
I’m a barista which means I have 100 boyfriends and everyday they each give me one dollar
Unprecedented times would be if something nice happened every day for like 2 weeks
My third bottle of wine was able to “breathe” for a few hours when I opened it at 3am and passed out on the floor.
I wear a ski mask to bed so if there’s a home invasion the intruder will think I’m part of the team.
day 16 of being stuck in:
me: shall I have another glass of wine?
my wall: yes catherine splendid idea
Tiger: *after killing several zoo animals* forget what you saw here…or you’re next
Gazelle: ok
Monkey: ok
Zebra: ok
Elephant: oh no
To the thief who stole my antidepressants, I hope you’re happy now.
A colleague asked me “what’s wrong?”, and that’s a month of her life she won’t get back!
As always, Wile E. Coyote’s plan had unexpected consequences.
After my husband explained in detail what he does for work, my 6-year-old asked if he has fun at work so clearly he was not listening to a single thing my husband said.
I see you have a tattoo that says “Only god can judge me.” Buddy, you’re not gonna believe what im doing right now.
They say the camera adds 10 lbs.
Looks like fast food added the other 40.
So many people say they love their Roomba, but you never see them set it free.
Waffles make excellent pill organizers
me on the way to work having not cooked anything in at least three weeks: shit, did i turn off the stove?