sorry i’m still an undecided voter, but it’s hard to pick just one when I love them both so very very much
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[showing off the 13” dildo i found in the dumpster behind 7/11] he’s a rescue
Therapist: ‘Strange. Weird. Odd.’
Me: ‘Am I paying for this?’
The sexual tension between my tendency to do something stupid and my resolve not to.
HOW MANY ANTS HAVE YOU HAD TONIGHT, SIR?
I let people think I take the stairs to be fit but really I’m just scared of elevators
I am ‘yay my plans to go out got cancelled’ years old
Everyone is just looking for that special someone who could do way better but chooses not to for some inexplicable reason.
I had a dream that I was making an offer on a house and it came with 12 kids. I asked the owner “why aren’t you taking all your children?” She replied “I don’t like them.”
I thought dreams weren’t supposed to make sense.
Spent 10mins fighting a spider last night before finding out it was a flake of cardboard
I’m fine
WAS SHOOTING HIS MOTHER NOT ENOUGH
Colleague: All Fossil watches should hv an ancient look, to justify the brand name
Me: By that logic, Guess watches shouldn’t show the time.
THE TIREDNESS ON THE COUCH NEVER TRANSLATES TO THE BED AND I DEMAND TO KNOW WHY
At 57, when I say I want to last longer in bed, I mean sleep more.
Guard dog? Service dog? Yeah, yeah…
When earth is invaded by evil aliens that look like pony tail holders, our cat will be a hero.
Me: I just want to be the hat girl at the gym.
Them: You mean hot girl?
Me: *on treadmill*
*wearing a ski mask, beret, and cowboy hat*
No.
“It’s only eight o’clock” he says like that’s not late as shit.
Do not let children style your hair. They are bad at it and everyone will roast you for looking ridiculous.
If drinking too much alcohol makes you an alcoholic, does drinking too much Fanta make you fantastic?
TICKET AGENT: and will this be round trip?
FLAT EARTHER: here we go again
Funny how people only believe their horoscope when it’s something good about them.
Astrological sign: You’re smart.. but not really. You’re actually just an idiot.
Now what?
Her: You’re all sweaty. Where have you been?
*Flash back to an hour long struggle of me trying to separate 2 shopping carts*
Me: The gym.
Them: What’d you scrape your chin on?
Me: A chiseled jawline with a 5-o’clock shadow.
My mother-in-law is visiting & I told my 14-year old to make menus for brunch this morning & they just invented the most popular restaurant in Williamsburg.
Her: hear that?
Me: nope
Her: what if someone’s is trying to get in to murder me?
Me: only person that wants to murder you is already inside
Her : You hang up first.
Me : *click*
I’m not like other girls, I know when I’m being irrational. I don’t let it stop me, but still
*sees my husband cry as he holds our newborn son for the 1st time*
wtf did that baby just say to you?
if you really want to capture her heart this Valentine’s Day sculpt her likeness in ham, the most sensual of the smoked meats
I love how every airline is like “not to brag, but we actually clean the planes now.”