Nature abhors a vacuum.
Nature isn’t too fond of leaf blowers either. And don’t even get Nature started on car alarms.
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Kid 1: Why’d u call me Aphrodite?
Me: After the Greek goddess of love
Kid 2: What about me?
Me: Well Alvin, ur named after a famous chipmunk
“Ok, what shall we call these skewers of food?”
STEVE: How about a Kasteve?
BOB: I have a better idea
Chief: You’re the WORST cop in the department! Hand over your gun and badge!
Me: *realising I left both in my son’s crib* Uhhhhh….
spider: sup
me: omg stay away
spider: don’t worry I’m a good spider
me: there’s good spiders?
spider: hahaha no I’m gonna get you
Remember, don’t stoop to their level. If someone is murdering you, tell them their knife is cool and they’re good at stabbing. Be nice
PMS is just an excuse women use to eat all the good snacks & occasionally when committing murder.
Everyone is all “love is patient” during the wedding but when there’s a long line for the open bar, not so much.
[Getting murdered]
Me: oh no
Murderer: yup
Me: there’s so many dogs I never got to pet
Murderer: oh no
[goes to sign up for course on how to handle bad news better]
“sorry, we’re full”
[lights myself on fire]
Breaking news:
Went to my niece’s elementary school field day last week.
I won every single event.
Every. Single. Event.
Ant: I found this book of what humans call us. I’m an ant
Dung Beetle: What am I called?
Ant: *checks, shuts book* Let’s not focus on labels
What is the best nickname for a nun in heaven?
If you guessed “Heaven nun” or “Angel nun” you’re wrong.
The answer was “Nun of the Above”.
Crickets are really loud for something that gets eaten by everything
Ok whatever idiot taught my kids that they’re beautiful just the way they are, can you tell them they still need to bathe.
In lieu of burial, Mr. Peanut will be dry roasted and his remains will be scattered on the floor of a Texas Roadhouse.
Told my husband that I was the prettiest girl in Walmart today and he replied “No offense sweetie, but I’ve been the prettiest girl at Walmart”
2019: Tumblr blinks offline, satisfied, having completed its mission of collecting all existing TV and film footage as GIF files.
I picked up good pizza and took it to Little Caesars to show it what happens to bad pizza.
Decided not to waste $300 on obedience training after watching my dog bark at a shovel on the patio for 10 minutes.
I was thinking about blocking the Suez canal but that ship has sailed
Cough drops are perfect for when you want the cough you’ve had for three days to stop for 60 seconds and then come right back.
I’m eating cheese paired with cheese crackers because self-care is dairy important to me
[At bar]
BARTENDER: I dont think she wants to talk man
ME: [dabbing on pickle juice as cologne] I think I know what the ladies want pal
If u wanna be happy the rest of ur life
Never make a prairie falcon ur wife
They need a moderate altitude
To catch burrowing owls for food
A step-by-step guide on how to not finish anything.
Step One: Have kids.
I asked my 5yo to play a game where we see who can be quiet the longest. After a couple of seconds he whispered “this is boring” and I guess the game is over.
student loan “forgiveness?” so you admit. student loans are a sin.
[Martian welcoming party]
We’re so excited to welcome our friends from Ear—ok it’s another robot car everybody. Why do they keep doing this
What this four-way stop needs is some kind of signal that would let people know when it’s their turn to go