Don’t touch that.
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Quarantine sucks in a house that’s haunted because a message suddenly appears in blood saying “YOU USUALLY LEAVE AT 7:45.”
Got booked for a last minute gig tonight but I knew it wasn’t prank because the pay was too low.
My boss called in sick of me
My little niece ate her chocolate Easter bunny’s face because she “didn’t like the way it was looking at her”
I’m locking my bedroom door tonight
The new Barbie movie should be an accurate depiction of her. Her knees should not bend, her house should have no walls, and the elevator should break all the time.
“Please! There’s no need to interact with me. I’m just here to observe.”
-me in every social situation
Spider 1: hey man, your fly’s down
Spider 2: yeah, the little fella’s been like that since I ate his brother
me: goth goose. gothic goose. goosic. no wait… gooth
teacher: it’s already called a vulture
*reading* 160 calories *thinking* Let me break it down to see how much I should eat. *reading and thinking* The can is 14.2 ounces, the serving size is 245 grams and the servings per container are about 3.
And we wonder why America is getting fat.
MATH
This flower shop also sells shirts at the front counter but the display is so large that you can’t see the florist for the T’s.
“Please be aware that this call may be recorded for training purposes”
-companies that obviously provide no training
My bear’s diarrhoea problems are really starting to worry me. The vet says he’s getting better but he’s not out of the woods yet.
Bring your sick kid to business meetings and watch how fast people get to the point.
It’s called a “Monte Cristo” sandwich because one day it will return disguised as another sandwich & seek its revenge
Love this young dude soundtracking his Mum’s life with his trombone.
My toddler only has 3 words, but she can already argue with me.
COP: Do you know why I stopped you?
HIM: We were going too fast?
COP: Yes. Get to know her first. Don’t just talk about yourself either.
A recent study states that people should only shower every 3-4 days. “Stop being an idiot,” said one wife who lives in my house.
my friend asked me why i went to mcdonalds instead of coming to church with him and got pissed when i told him it’s because chicken nuggets objectively exist
You know that one guy that lives in that one house across from that black dog not the one but the other one, I see now he’s working at that one place kind of downtown by that other place…
-my wife telling a story
“Daddy I lost my popsicle” and other terrifying things my kids say.
Nothing is more confusing than a perfume commercial.
Why didn’t I marry a hairdresser or a baker. I did not think this through.
Kids make friends in 5 seconds, adults make friends in 5 drinks.
Maybe I should’ve learned to code instead of majoring in Bermuda Triangle Studies
Duck typos.
ME: Why can’t I sleep?
CUP OF COFFEE FROM 4 PM: I’ve put together a list of everyone who might be mad at you.
Me: you feel like doing something?
Her: sure, I have a few hours to kill
Me: maybe after the killing then
Me: You know, talking to yourself doesn’t make you crazy.
Me: I know, right?
Me: It’s a sign of advanced intelligence.
Me: High-5.
Me: Word.
😆this is so true