do you think when Lightning McQueen threw the Piston cup to drive The King over the finish line a Honda Civic somewhere was destroying his living room after losing $10,000 on his parlay
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I’m not superstitious, I’m just a bit stitious.
Thank God for that one person who gets on the elevator and takes charge.
People think I’m a hugger, but I’m actually shaking them down for snacks.
With this onion ring, I thee fed
I have my own version of Whole Foods, where I eat the Whole Pizza, Whole Box of Donuts, Whole Bag of Chips…
[At Wedding]
Priest: And do you take me as your lawfully wedded wife?
Me: I do. WAIT A SECOND
Priest: TOO LATE. YOU’RE MINE NOW, IDIOT.
Her: You are a good looking guy
My brain: She likes you don’t make this weird
My mouth: You too
My brain: He shoots and hits a baby in the upper bleachers
My computer just gave me an “Error 404” message, which can’t be right because I know I’ve made way more errors than that.
No, Autocorrect ….
the lovely bride was not wearing
a SATAN trimmed lace ensemble –though she can be devilish at times.
[my laboratory]
ME: I’VE DONE IT!
MOUSE WITH EAR GROWING ON IT’S BACK: Holy crap keep it down.
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again: the Bible is 100% accurate. Especially when thrown at close range.
No thanks, fantasy football. I already have a fantasy boyfriend, a fantasy sex life & a fantasy bank account.
I’m good.
Eating my way out of the ball pit.
*calls ex wife three weeks after the divorce* what kind of yogurt do I like?
Me: *Puts on skis* I’ve not done this before! *Nervously pulls on ski goggles*
Driving instructor: Please get out of my bed
She was like “wrong hole”, so I said “adventurous on the e-harmony profile isn’t knitting quilts Velma”, long story short I’m still single.
Never confuse a colostomy bag with a whoopie cushion.
Totally ruined Grandpa’s 90th birthday.
*goes out*
*realises why I stay in.*
Imagine your life revolving solely around a napping and snacking schedule and still being mad all the time.
Get it together, toddlers.
I bring my own pen into the bank because I don’t need any god dammed chains telling me where I can and cannot write
Cigarette: Hey buddy.
Me: I don’t smoke anymore.
Cigarette: But buddy.
Me: NO.
Cigarette: Buddy?
Me: You do make a good point. Fine.
“Be nice to everyone…
You never know who might have a pool.”
-Mahatma Gandhi
The platypus is what happens when you take a perfectly good concept and send it to network executives for notes.
Watching Grey’s Anatomy teaches me that if I’m really sad, I should walk slowly down a corridor to a Snow Patrol track.
if you’re literally asking me to choose between our relationship and my career as a reporter well then I’ve got some news for you
me to my boyfriend: hey hey you you i don’t like your girlfriend
Want to annoy the man in your life? Pronounce MMA “mama”.
DAD: Sorry it’s not a pony, honey. Best I could do
LITTLE GIRL: [riding gigantic earthworm] This is Princess Doomtube. She shall be feared
I own a Delorean but I only drive it from time to time.
Do people who eat super-crunchy peanut butter know about peanuts?