Tai Chi in the streets. Chai Tea in the steeps.
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One of the toughest things about being single is not having anyone around to nag you to buy new underwear.
Surprised my wife with potato chips. She didn’t ask for it, the bag just fell on her when she opened the cabinet.
We all talk about the early bird getting the worm but what if I’m a worm and sleeping in could save my life
Tom Cruise has signed on for Mission Impossible V. His impossible mission is trying not to show up on everyone’s gaydar.
the sequel to “Up” should be called “Up 2: No Good” who do I tell this to
Relationship status: Putting aloe on the wall and rubbing against it to apply in places that I can’t reach.
The Carpenters did not have nearly enough songs about hammers or sawdust
*Opens a window and the wind blows 42 corndogs from my desk.*
“Oh no! My research!!”
To be fair, I did a lot of stupid shit before I was married too. Now I just have someone who judges me for it.
Time traveller: I’m from the future
Me: prove it
*he pulls out next weeks newspaper*
Me: nice try, they’ve already invented newspapers
“You’ve reached 911”
Knock knock
“Sir ple-”
Knock knock
“This is not-”
Knock knock
“ok, who’s there?”
Ben
“Ben who”
Ben shot real bad
“NICE”
“40 is the new 30!” My dad always used to say.
Lovely man.
Banned from driving.
No friends? What about those visits to your place from Amazon and FedEx?
[Dracula before he got braces]
:F
ME: *telling a joke*
SARA: haha
SARAH: hahah
SALMON: Who has been spreading gossip I thought I could trust you two
TROUT: I don’t know, who could it be?!
BIG MOUTH BASS: Yeah, who??
From the other room:
DO YOU EVEN UNDERSTAND WHAT MISCOMMUNICATION IS?Me: *nods*
Oh, you got a promotion? Congratulations! I got a promotion at home: my kids unanimously voted me “the WORST.”
10’s homework question: “Which appliance in your home do you think is the most useful?”
His answer: “My mom.”
me opening up to someone
Cw: Ignorance is bliss
Me: Explains why you’re so happy
HR: It’s good to see you again
[At Justice League headquarters]
Batman: Alright, everyone. Rent’s due. I have my share, obviously. Hows everyone else paying?
Superman: [signs over a paycheck from The Daily Planet]
The Flash: [runs to the ATM]
Aquaman: [dumps a pile of fish on the table]
Batman: WTF dude
Yes, I have a fitness app. I use it to time how long it takes the pizza delivery guy to get here.
Don’t have your phone number posted on FB if you don’t want me calling you at 3am drunk asking for the recipe of that cobbler you posted.
A marriage built on respect and trust can survive anything. Except losing twice as much weight on a diet than your wife, apparently.
If the conversation gets too serious take your pants off.
1) Put index and thumb together.
2) Place them where nose meets forehead.
3) Close eyes.
4) Sigh.
5) Check to see if person still talking.
[dinner time]
ME: *puts baby in a lifeguard chair*
WIFE: not that high
Hey girl are you the supply chain? Because despite extensive explanations I do not understand what is wrong with you
What’s the issue officer?
Officer: You have no idea why I pulled you over?
I have some ideas, but would like to hear your opinion first.