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I used to date a hypnotist and now I can’t even remember why we broke up
Me: I heard you two are expecting, so I bought you a Parenting book.
Friend: Umm, this is a Cocktail Recipe book.
Me: You’re welcome.
Wearing a mask had been helpful as I’ve forgotten where I packed my nose hair trimmer.
A Tinder app, only you hook up with the best buffets in your town
[dollar store]
Me: I would like 700 dollars, please
the worst part of jury duty is having to shower with all the other jurors
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
“You heard the song I was playing?”
Cop: Yes I did, and now HERE I AM
“ROCK YOU LIKE A HURRICANE”
What idiot named it balding & not vanishing into thin hair
bank account: $1400
me to a girl scout: give me the thick mints
My sweet-as-can-be daughter who’s never even once gotten in trouble listens to podcasts about serial killers to relax, if you’re wondering about the healthy home environment I’ve provided.
My daughter is able to take one chocolate cookie and then go about her day not caring that there’s more.
I’m pretty sure she’s a witch.
I said it out loud and I can’t stop giggling lmao
Me: preparing dinner
Her: why did you just say that?
Me: *sorry, I forgot to include the asterisk*
Her: Hello?
who’s ready for the long weeknd?
prisoner: “i broke a guy’s face in 18 places, what you in for?”
[flashback to me stealing a duck from the pond]
me: “9/11”
I still remember when “information is power” could be said with a straight face. Thank goodness the internet put that myth to rest.
Just watched the movie 2012 and honestly I don’t remember any of that happening.
Wife: Are you even listening to me?
Me: Of course
W: Oh yeah, what did I say?
M: [smoke bomb]
W: I can still see you
M: [Another smoke bomb]
The distorted faces and primal noises I made during labor do not even touch my husband’s performance when he’s in the throes of a toe cramp.
Concierge: Welcome to Paris, monsieur.
Me: You recognize this man?
*slides photo*
Concierge: That’s Pepe le Pew.
Me: If you see him you call me. *leans in* My cat’s been taken.
“Shrooms before brooms,” I say to the coven of stereotypical witches who have quite magically appeared in my living room.
Me: WHY AREN’T YOU CLEANING YOUR ROOM LIKE I ASKED?
My 6year old: You only asked once
Well well well if it isn’t the guy whose lawn I woke up on
Half a league, half a league, half a league onward…
Justice League, confused: So like, which half?
Aquaman: *stares into the valley of death*
Y’know what? I’ll sit this one out.
SCARY COSTUME
Me:
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me: *turns on garbage disposal*
Her: *starts talking to me*
I’m probably being paranoid, but I’m pretty sure this guy knows I’m following him
Toddlers be like, “excuse me madam that’s my emotional support Walmart receipt.
If stores want to accurately market clothes for people over 40 the mannequins should be lying on the couch by 5PM.
When you think about it, ‘I’ll pray for you’ is essentially saying ‘I’ll talk to myself about your problem’. Good luck!