“You miss 100% of the shots you don’t take”
Obituary: died of Malaria, Small Pox, Polio, & the flu
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I have a new favorite meme page
God: Build me an ark.
Noah: A what?
God *pinching his nose*: A big boat.
Noah *looking around the desert*: A what?
son: “NO! Make me a sandwich like mommy makes it!”
I begin remaking the same sandwich, this time while drinking a bottle of wine and calling my sister-in-law to complain about my weight gain.
Hey, do you guys remember when people kept those little wax paper cups in the bathroom so that when you were thirsty you could have a little toilet water?
[texting gf]
February 13th
“I think we should spend some time apart”February 15th
“Ok that was enough time”
[having sex]
HER: tell me your fantasies
ME: I wish I was a dragon
HER: no, I mean-
ME: but instead of fire I breathe jelly beans
Why do birds,
suddenly appear,
every time,
you are near?
Just like me,
you seem to be,
made of seeds.
Quick reminder that the Twilight saga is about the classic teen angst of choosing between bestiality and necrophilia
Nativity scenes become something else entirely if you put a fork and knife in the hands of the adults.
My daughter is yelling at Alexa because it doesn’t know a song she made up. This may be the end of their friendship.
*wakes up in hospital*
What happened?
“It was a heart attack”
Will I be ok?
*a big heart outside slowly taps on window with a bat*
“No”
The next COVID variant will be named Optimus Prime, followed by Bumblebee and Rachet.
Day drinking poolside. There’s literally nothing that could ruin this moment.
“MOMMY WATCH THIS!”
Brain cell 1: say have a nice day
Brain cell 2: nah say have a good oneMouth: Haven gice done
I get it, crocs and socks are not sexy at all, but I wasn’t getting laid in tennis shoes either and this is ridiculously comfortable.
Stop showing me pictures of british people’s breakfast I’ve already been through enough
Me: Can you call my phone so I can find it?
Teen: UUGGHH. Can’t I just text you?
Narrator: She found her phone. After 387 text messages.
[neighborhood meeting]
Me: This is an outrage!
Neighbor: Exactly! The city’s plan to–
Me: Nothing but powdered creamer for the coffee? I’m out of here.
Accidentally went to Rouge One instead of Rogue One. Boy is my face red.
Me: What is wrong with me?
Brain: You don’t listen, you’re lazy, zero etiquette, you’re broke with no ambition AND you have weird thoughts that you act out like a play.
Me: Sry, you lost me at “I don’t listen”.
If only my parents had given me a memorable first name.
A fun thing to say when someone asks if you have a sec is “I have a lot of secs.” Then wink. Then fill out sexual harassment paperwork.
[alternate world with no bees]
SCIENTIST: all the flowers are dying
ME: *takes a ite of a uritto* wow that’s a ummer
Big Sex has us all fooled
Three more pension cheques and I’ll have my student loan paid off.
jfc that’s a stupid idea and someone could get hurt so when can we do it?
when i wake up with no”good morning baby” text 😡
I confused the spatula with a flyswatter is why that is floating in your soup.
70’s horror movies gave me a healthy respect for the power held by chainsaws and deserted farmhouses
I’m jealous of babies because they don’t know anybody yet