Only 10 more days til Halloween!
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i got 99 problems and being upside down ain’t one
ok wait i got 66 problems
Most of my upper body strength comes from trying to push a grocery cart through the store with 3 kids hanging on it.
Tip of the day: Don’t try to scratch an itchy ankle while on a treadmill.
One time I had an MRI and the neurologist said I had a nice looking brain and every time I have a good idea I think of this.
Isn’t it weird that we have one hand that knows how to do everything and then one hand that just sits there like ‘idk how to hold a pencil.
Netflix and scream at our children?!
[Voter registration]
Me: I just really need to be aligned with people who represent me and my ideals
Them: ma’am there is no “Antisocial Party”
A lemonade stand is a good way to teach your kids the value of someone giving you money because they feel sorry for you.
Apparently “my brain hurts” isn’t a legit reason to leave work early
Throwing pregnancy tests into the shopping carts of random couples at Walmart is the only silver lining in my day.
*Good Will Hunting*
Professor: are you the janitor who’s been solving the math equations?
me: [writing ‘80085’ on every chalkboard] yes?
Ain’t No Sunshine When She’s Gone(Absence of special lady creates cataclysmic world ending event)
A reenactment of ketchup in the 16th century. So delicious, they were all deemed witches.
Me: “I keep looking for love in all the wrong places.”
*later at the abandoned mine*
Me: “Hello?! Would anybody like a date?!”
only writing recipes in wordart from now on
doctor: here’s your x-ray
me: ew I look ugly in this one delete it take another
God: you’re an elephant.
Elephant: ok.
God: you have a great memory.
Elephant: what does that mean?
God: you never forget.
Elephant: didn’t I lend you $20 last week?
God:
Elephant:
God: [opening wallet] yOu NeVeR foRgEt good one God.
Caught myself staring into the medicine cabinet like I do with the refrigerator.
me: where do you live?
schrödinger’s cat: a box
me: I mean like what state
cat: both of them
Don’t ask questions you don’t want the answers to like asking your toddler what’s in his pocket
“What’s for dinner?”
Updog & chips.
“Does updog have gluten in it?”
No..wait..you’re supposed to say…
“You know I can’t have gluten Karen”
my wife said she was trash, so i said that must make me an opossum, and i think we just renewed our vows
Our credit card was stolen but
I decided not to report it ….The thief is spending less
than my wife did.
My wife spent six weeks researching customer reviews of vacuum cleaners and one time I bought a new car because I had the same dog as the guy on the commercial.
love black friday. not buying anything, just wanted to go apeshit in a target
Meteorologist – Be horrible at you job and no one really cares.
Pizza Delivery Driver – Be five minutes late and people lose their minds!
Me: *reads a lot, has many books, all things considered, a book person*
Person: So, what’s your favourite book?
Me: I cannot think of one book that I have read. I have never read a single book. What are books?
video game drill sergeant: alright you worthless puke! try using your WASD keys to walk around the room!
me: [walks around the room]
video game drill sergeant: that is out-standing! you’re one of the finest soldiers ive ever laid my eyes on!
Me: The dog gives me more kisses because he loves me the most.
Him: No, it’s because you never wipe the ice cream off your chin.
MY GIRLFRIEND: Did you see that?? Those fireworks made that skywriter hit that hot-air balloon!
ME: Oh my God! What kind of lunatic is responsible for this?? Oh hey, incidentally, will you marry me?