they should invent a hydrating liquor
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I bought the off-brand toilet cleaner. I don’t think my toilets can taste the difference.
Ever have the shower curtain touch you unexpectedly and start karate chopping the air?? No, me either.
Me: Ok to empty the dishwasher I need to clear things away from the dish rack and before I do that I need to clear space in the drawer and before that…
~later~
My wife: Why are you on the roof painting the chimney?
Me: So I can empty the dishwasher.
These work great until they don’t.
* Runs Baywatch-style into oncoming traffic *
Nothing like waking up on a Friday and finding out it’s Tuesday
Sometimes I swear I’m reading a post about a reliable used car and the whole time it’s a man wishing his wife a happy anniversary
I’m starting to suspect that all these women with “princess” on their license plate frames are not really princesses at all.
trust me bro, no woman has ever looked at your tinder profile and gone “i wish he was holding me like he’s holding that fish”
There’s no way I’m the only person who thinks Kristen Stewart is doing the world’s best Garfield impression.
At dinner my husband hollered, “I’m going to run off to a place where I’m appreciated!”
My daughter: Don’t take my Barbie backpack.
My son: Can someone pass the butter?
My mother: You married her.
I just released a new fragrance, and the people on this elevator are not happy about it.
911: Did you ring yesterday?
Boy: No
911: Day before?
Boy: Definitely not
911: Your voice is familiar
Boy: Please just help
911: Ok can you describe your attacker?
Boy: It’s a wolf
911: Oh for fu
I’ve been watching HGTV with my wife for the past two hours, and just once – just ONCE – I would like to see a couple looking for a home who hates entertaining.
A lot of people think it’s embarrassing Elvis died shitting in his bathroom but it would be way more embarrassing if he died shitting in his kitchen
Him: What’re you eating?
Me: All of it.
For the first time, all three of my kids are going to three different schools. I managed to get them all there on time for their first day, but intentionally ran a few minutes late on day two so their teachers didn’t have unrealistic expectations.
I wrote “except zombies” on my welcome mat so I know I’ll be safe during a zombie apocalypse.
“I bought a new car!”
Whoa that’s a lemon, how much did you pay?
“Only $3,200”
Dude it’s literally a piece of fruit
“Damn….not again”
My husband: Okay, bye! I’m headed to play golf.
My kid: bye, Dada! I love you! We’ll always have our memories.
Whenever I test drive a car and the Salesman decides to come along, I lock the doors lock eyes and say “We ride together, we Die together.”
My favourite horror sitcom crossover was I Know What You Did Last Of The Summer Wine
People who live in glass houses probably have a lot of squeegees.
If my body was covered entirely in eyeballs, I still couldn’t look at you enough.
*me being romantic*
anytime I light a candle I immediately picture a firefighter explaining to my neighbors how it happened
Always look both ways before crossing a woman.
What’s wrong with university websites, a short play:
*opens university homepage*
*types in search box: “calendar”, “academic calendar”, “JUST SHOW ME THE PAGE WITH THE ACADEMIC CALENDAR ON IT”*
*gives up*
*googles name of university + “academic calendar”*
*clicks hit #1*
~fin~
I bumped into a cute guy today.
I clawed his face off.
I should work on my people skills.
As an adult you should already know shit like if you’re standing in the rain you should wear a rain coat and if you’re standing in a trench, you should wear a trench coat
Me: Wine isn’t on the food pyramid.
My wife: It’s the moat around it.