If you have a friend who’s a pharmacist, and they are ignoring you, just say this: “I was taking antibiotics for an infection, but I feel better now so I’m not going to finish them.” Trust me, they cannot help themselves. They will respond.
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his palms are sweaty, knees weak, palms are sweaty. he forgot his lyrics already, palms are sweaty
“Living well is the best revenge.”
Alexa, what is the second best revenge?
My cause of death will probably be something stupid like, she was running from a swarm of bees and got hit by a dumptruck.
People always go, “Why can’t there ever be peace in the Middle East?”
We can’t even get FIVE DENTISTS to agree on a toothpaste. That’s why.
[elevator]
“Wanna buy a spoon?”
Huh, no, why?
[elevator slowly fills with pudding]
[opens briefcase filled with spoons]
[sheepishly] Yes.
I can explain a lot of things in Manchester but I can’t explain this 😭
this recipe says red onions are too spicy for salad
I was shit at school. I turned up to the wrong lessons and sat the wrong exams. The rest as they say is geography.
the children’s version of “The Catcher In The Rye” is called “My Little Phony”
In light of all the stressful things around us right now, let’s take a moment to appreciate the cheapest luxury in the world. You don’t HAVE to get all dressed up to share a platter containing 12 pieces of toast with someone special…but don’t you think you should?
Psychologist: I’m going to lift this shade and you’ll see you are NOT a vampire.
Man: No!
*lifts shade and the sunlight ignites the man into a screaming inferno*
Nurse: *screams*
P: He convinced his body to do that.
N:
P: I’ve seen it before, Brenda. He’s the 9th this week.
My 5 yo always asks for 5 of any treat, because he thinks that’s how it works. I told him that was ridiculous while polishing off my 42nd chocolate chip cookie
every ghost is a little afraid someone will see them and tell them to start wearing pants again
I stopped eating my feelings a few months ago and holy shit do I have a lot of them here now
[Updates Christian Mingle bio]
“Just like Moses, I pay attention to the bush first”“You have 999 new matches”
“You’re a HORRIBLE parent!”
– my daughter because I won’t let her use a chainsaw to make a treehouse.
#Caturday
Are we sure the wise men who brought frankincense and myrrh weren’t just trying to sign Mary up for their essential oils pyramid scheme?
WebMD says I’m in good
shape so I’m not worried
about a thing.
Realtor: Why r u moving?
Me: I’ve been eating w my hands for 2 months because the sideways spatula won’t let me open my silverware drawer.
With the holidays upon us, please dont forget what they stand for. Family, friends & punching strangers at the mall because they cut in line
Me: the constitution says I have the right to assemble
Ikea clerk: you have to buy it first
You could replace the zombies on Walking Dead with huggers and it’d be the same scary show.
Went by the house where I grew up. Asked to go in to look around, but they said no and shut the door in my face. My parents can be so rude.
I was planning to take a flu shot until I found out it isn’t a kind of drink.
There’s a fine line between “I slept great” and “what did I do to my neck?”
Can’t believe people still say “pot” it’s not the 70s anymore we call it “saucepan” now
*checks watch*
*gets up off toilet*
I don’t have time for this shit
Gonna drink a 42 hour energy so I can send three emails