GEORGE WASHINGTON: We should put “We Trust In God” on our money
THOMAS JEFFERSON: Great idea. Did you get that?
YODA (taking notes): Yep
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Seriously considering commissioning a family portrait photo and getting the photographer to photoshop all our faces slightly too small. Enough to be disconcerting, but not enough for guests to feel comfortable mentioning it.
turkey? Nope. I haven’t seen a turkey
“Bro check out that DILP.”
“Where? Wait what’s a DILP?”
“Dog I’d Like to Pet.”
Me: *throws out a manual that’s been sitting in a drawer for 10 years*
(The next day)
Husband: Have you seen the manual for-
Jon if Garfield is too fat maybe stop purchasing ingredients and cooking full lasagnas for him you realize that’s dinner for a human family
Imagine being a frog and someone kisses you and you turn into a prince so then you have to marry that person even though you straight up know she kisses frogs.
[Coffee line]
*Sees cute barista*
*Twirls hair*
No whipped cream please
*Sees his backward sunglasses*
*Drops hand*
Never mind. Load it up.
“Traaains”
– traveling zombies
Make librarians cry by calling it a “Book Museum” while taking pictures with your iPad.
“I’m still a virgin”
-theres plenty of fish in the sea
“Ur right. I’ll find someone”
-no, I mean u should give up & be a lonely fisherman
Wondering when these skinny jeans are gonna kick in.
I’m not one to bet, but I’d put $50 on the fact that the waffle was probably created when someone accidentally stepped on a pancake.
It’s kinda neat how every chick you reply to is into celibacy
“If I eat my arm, I can’t technically gain any weight” – my thought process after only 5 days of dieting.
I’m doomed.
I get it garden box. If someone massaged me, gave me the best nutrients, plenty of water & let me rest in the sun, I would be capable of producing amazing things, too
Ghost Hunters would be a million times better show if it were about HUNTERS who are GHOSTS.
[interrogation]
“What do u do for a living?”
Jewel thief.
“Louder for the tape.”
[leans in]
Cool beef. I bring hot beef down in temperature.
I like to make sure my breath is always fresh.
*eats entire sleeve of Thin Mints*
I get a kick out of people who think because I make Americana music I’m supposed to dress like a damn horse repairman or some shit
Therapist: what’s your support system like?
Me: about $150 an oz
I love how popular barn weddings are…because nothing says marriage like horse shit.
‘Sorry I liked your Facebook status, I was using my laptop as a plate’- my autobiography
You can buy a 48-pack of referee whistles on Amazon for $8. Give them to the kids of people you hate.
Why would you ask me for directions?
You just saw me walk into a closed door.
You can’t see me anymore because of Ebola??!
Is she prettier than me?
She sounds hideous!
Well, I hope you’re happy together.*END CALL*
Stop = Hammer time
Full stop = Grammar time
Growing out my freckles.
My uncle was famous for being really quick with a shovel. You probably don’t know him though. He was only a miner celebrity.
Me: What do you think of my tweets?
Wife: They’re all pretty terrible.
Me: Don’t you have ANYTHING positive to say?
Wife: You’re consistent.
Me: Dishwasher’s broken.
16: I’m sorry.
Me: Did you break it?
16: No, I meant, like, “I’m sorry for your loss.”