I hope I’m not the only one who hovers over someone when they use my favorite pen just so they know I’m serious about wanting it back.
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You: hello
Me: Ok here’s why you’re wrong
If you can talk really fast you have some options in life: Become an auctioneer or list the side effects of drugs at the end of commercials.
I threw a parking cone at someone. I am the drunkest person in the United states.
It’s almost 2020 and we still haven’t made a smoke detector that can tell the difference between an Indian cooking and an apartment on fire.
Toddler: happy birthday daddy!
Me: aw thanks buddy!
Toddler: it’s my birthday too?
Me: no your birthday is in December.
Toddler: IT’S MY BIRTHDAY TOO!
Me: no-
Toddler: TELL ME HAPPY BIRTHDAY!
Me: but-
Toddler: SAY IT!
Me: happy birthday?
Toddler: thanks daddy!
[Checks for abs]
Abs : I have a boyfriend
Him: that only took me 90 seconds! New record! HIGH FIVE!
Me:
The Amazon algorithm? More like a buyological weapon, amirite?!
I leave notes around the house to remind me of things I need to do, like “Pick up milk” or “Pay gas bill” or “Stop wasting your life away”
the matrix is a movie about the hottest people in the world using the computer
*getting attacked by a bear in France*
ME: Gnaw me like one of your French girls.
Remove dead skin by hurling yourself into an active volcano.
Almonds are good for when I want to have a healthy snack and want to stop having twelve dollars.
Bought a chicken to make sandwiches. It doesn’t. It shits on the floor.
I’m praying to 1500 Hindu Gods to help me finish decorating this Christmas tree
I used to wonder what it’d be like to read other people’s minds.
Then I got a Twitter account, and I’m over it.
Discovered 24 long forgotten beers in the basement refrigerator so I’m about to crack a cold case.
Me: I learned everything I know about Cinco de Mayo from watching Coco.
Him: Coco was about Day of the Dead, not Cinco-
Me: Cinco, Coco, YOU KNOW I DON’T SPEAK SPANISH, TODD!
If you can tell from my eye contact at the grocery store that I’m inviting you to race shopping carts, you’re my kinda people.
Walking around naked is a great motivator to get back to the gym
Jellyfish have no brains yet are capable of learning from past experiences. They will change their behavior to avoid repeating a negative event.
Meanwhile you’re sitting there texting your ex again
[my day at work]
9:00am: so much to do, blessed!
9:05am: ok I’m bored
9:06am: *googles am I too goth for work?*
My wife never catches me scoping out the hot chick because she’s too busy judging the hot chick.
*stepping on the moon’s surface wearing socks* Oh god dammit
Me: *leaning into him* I wanna do things to you that are illegal in 50 states
Him: yeah?
*steals his car*
I like going to the cemetery early in the morning because, if you’re calm and patient, the skeletons will approach and even eat right out of your hand.
There…fixed it 🤣🤣🤣
ive modified my phone to deliver electric shocks each time one of you unfollows me. The pain will make me kinder, humbler, and more powerful
You know what’s better than therapy? Nothing. Go to therapy.
Cops: COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS WHERE WE CAN SEE THEM
Invisible Hands Adam: shit