Person: so, how are we today?
Me: well, I dunno about you, but I’m fine, thanks
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Not saying dogs are better than kids in every aspect; but good luck finding a kid willing to lick up his own vomit.
Son, there’s no need for a paternity test. I knew you were mine when you came prematurely.
Relationship status: It’s not complicated I’m just an idiot
ADULT: I’ll have a $2 juice.
BARTENDER: For $13 more we’ll add 1.5 ounces of something that makes it taste bad.
A: Oo, yes I’ll take that.
If I worked in a used record store I would tell every customer “all sales are vinyl” until I was fired.
It would be worth it.
[Inventing Squash]
FRIEND: What are you doing?
ME: I just [smashes ball] really hate this wall
FRIEND: u know what [grabs racket] so do I
NASA: *clicks talk button* You folks are probably gonna wanna stay up there for a while
[at the mechanic]
me: my car makes a funny noise. listen..
mechanic: that’s the horn
Replying to peoples selfies with the phone number to a dermatologist is not OK.
I’ll stop now.
The Ten Commandments of Ayn Rand #XmasAMovie
wife: do you need help in there?
me: Kristin please. i just need the pin number for the microwave
*”accidentally” drops my gym membership card from my wallet in front of a cute girl*
Me: Oh gee, I seem to have dr—
*300 fast-food coupons flutter to the ground following it*
Help me Obi Won Bacardi, I’m sobering up.
gotta say i disagree with this strategy by the cowboys of never gaining any positive yards but i’m no pro football coach so maybe the cowboys know something i don’t
What do you mean you are supposed to breathe while you eat.
The English are truly the most remarkable people to ever exist. They traveled all across the world and saw food from every culture, and were just like “no thanks we already have beans on toast.”
ME: I’d like to register my kid for school.
SCHOOL REGISTRAR: Sir, that’s a goat.
ME: *proudly* A BABY goat.
Roasted beef is like regular beef except the cows family tells embarrassing stories about it, which are tough and tasteless.
Teacher: did you cheat on your math test?
Me: [remembering having sex with a history exam] umm no way
Mom: why do you drink so much
Me: *stares at mom*
My daughter is celebrating her 17th birthday with her friends at an Italian restaurant. My wife and I discussed what we did with our friends on our 17th and both stories involved alcohol, vomiting, fighting, the police, and drunk driving. I’m so glad my daughter is a square.
I’m in such a bad mood today, all I have to do is look at someone and they start apologizing.
I confused the spatula with a flyswatter is why that is floating in your soup.
When I’m president, we are going to have WAY more velociraptors.
That bathwater had too much baby in it anyway.
Me: theres a man outside fighting with water
Wife: the neighbour?
Me: yes
Wife: is he in the pool?
Me: yes
Wife: again, its called swimming
[IKEA meatball recipe]
1/2 lb ground beef
1/2 cup cream
1 small onion finely chopped
4 allen wrenches
20 minute argument
2 tbsp butter
lingonberry or some shit
you’re doing it wrong
salt to taste
just let me do it
New mom: any advice?
Mom 1: sleep when the baby sleeps
Mom 2: eat when the baby eats
Me (who has no children): check your email when the baby checks their email
*enters contest*
Contest: “Wrong hole.”
Not saying the carpet needs cleaning but I just dropped a donut and now it’s an everything bagel.