nurse: height
me: 6’4”
nurse: weight
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me: wait for what
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PHYSICIST: There are infinite universes, more than you can imagine
ME: That means there exists a universe in which all my tweets are funny
PHYSICIST: Not that many
Not recommended for beginners.
me: this leaf blower is doing more harm than good. i want a refund
store manager: that’s a rocket launcher
Me: I’m really enjoying this disaster movie.
Him: That’s the news.
My wife thinks it’s weird how much I stare at my phone now but it was probably even weirder when I was a kid just staring at the landline all day
9yo: That looks heavy.
Me: It is.
9yo: I could help you.
Me: Thanks.
9yo: [runs away]
Me: Where are you going??
9yo: To tell Mommy that you need some help.
Where do avocados come from? Uh, well, when a crocodile loves a pear very much…
Accidentally just knocked a lady over in Dominos Pizza. Well, I say one…
[grocery store]
Me (chewing): why are these grapes expensive
Cashier: We know ppl eat them before they pay
Me (still chewing): well I never
her: wanna come over
me: can’t I’m at an office party
her: ur self-employed
me: and having a great time
It’s adorable when I bring workout clothes on a trip to Miami like I’m not just going to eat, drink, and sleep.
I think my favorite part of being a parent is telling my kids they can’t have any chips before dinner because deep down I know I’m eating that family sized bag of doritos after they go to bed
The best part of being an adult is eating whatever you want. I just ate a small man that pissed me off at the liquor store.
Marriage should be traditional. As it was in The Bible. Between a man and a rib.
Me: I’m pregnant
Him: OH NO
Me: with emotion
Him: oh, whew
Me: because there’s a baby inside me
the fossil record doesn’t preserve skin so there’s no proof dinosaurs didn’t have tattoos
“This is literally the worst beer I’ve ever tasted.”
*finishes six pack*
A grilled cheese sandwich has never sent mixed signals, just saying
Amazon Review: A History of Criminals
★★★☆☆Not a bad book. Prose and cons.
The year is 2200. All fossil fuels are depleted. Our only source for coal is Santa Claus. Everyone must be naughty for the sake of mankind.
11yo: My Girl Scout vest is lost. I’ve looked EVERYWHERE.
Me: *ransacks house looking*
*digs in garbage*
*combs through school’s 5-ton lost-and-found pile*
*forms 15 person search party*
*asks NASA if they’ve seen it*
11yo: I found it. I hung it up in my closet.
Apparently being a 45 year old man sitting on Santa’s lap demanding the heads of your enemies is just too much for some malls.
(with the most anger i’ve ever experienced in my life) ok sounds good
Dads, when there’s 38 things to do before everyone is ready to leave: I’m going to go wait in the car.
genie: you can’t wish for more wishes
me: okay, i wish for the best contract lawyer in the world
genie: okay weird but *poof* here’s alan
me: hey alan, find some loophole in this genie’s bylaws that gets me more wishes
alan: *to genie* this is the fifth time this month
Every day of school:
Me: WAKE UP WAKE UP WAKE UP
Kids:
Me: WAKE UP WAKE UP WAKE UP5 AM, every weekend:
Kids [standing by my bed]: We’re bored.
me: so where do you go to school
new babysitter: It’s private
me: oh *whispering* I won’t tell anyone
you ever stop and think to yourself, “why am I reading the Wikipedia page for Whale Oil?”
My toddler took a sip of my margarita and made an adorable pucker-face. She went back for a 2nd sip and giggled. After sips 3 & 4 she called her daycare friends to say she missed them. Things got ugly with sip 5 when she started blaming her stuffed animals for society’s problems.
Live everyday as if it’s your first. That way, you can rob a bank and say you didn’t know that was wrong.