huge drama on my block rn. basically my crows got tired of the local squirrels always taking some of the food i leave out. so now, as an act of retaliation— the crows are going yard to yard, finding the squirrels’ stashes, & eating everything. squirrels are watching in horror
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A Brit watching their house fall off a cliff:
“That’s a bit of a blow”
Wanna play a dangerous game? It’s called taking a nap at 4.
3 little words that can bring a man to his knees on a Sunday morning
INTERNET IS DOWN
My coworker’s out here matching her water bottles to her clothes and I don’t even match my clothes to my clothes.
[putting away groceries]
I’m really glad I bought these tomatoes to go with [opens fridge and sighs deeply] these other goddamned tomatoes I bought 2 days ago and [looks behind those tomatoes with even deeper sigh] these other goddamned tomatoes I bought 3 days ago
Gotta love it when people get a half inch of snow and think the world is ending.
Canadian up.
°waldo at the gym° can’t none of y’all spot me
*Adorns new baby with:
Infinity scarf
Leggings
Uggs
Bottle of pumpkin spice latte*They said if her basic needs were met she wouldn’t cry!
Based on Harrison’s choice of best place to land, golfers are the most dispensable.
“FOR [sound of robot-computer meltdown/Buckethead noise] PRESS 1
FOR [feint but audible screams of someone being chased in woods] PRESS 2”
[5:30 AM alarm goes off]
Me: Wanna have a quickie?
Wife: I have to get up in 5 minutes.
Me: Oh, so regular sex then?
You can tell how much it’s going to cost you by the way your teenager sounds:
Mum! = £2 for an ice cream
Muuuum 🙂 = £50 for pointless trainers
Hello mummy, you look pretty today = remortgage the house
I luv putting on warm underwear straight out of the DRYER…
Plus, it’s fun to figure out who they belong to at the laundromat.
I’ll eat when I’m dead
– zombies
THERAPIST: Anyways—
ME: “Anyways” isn’t a word. You mean “anyway”
THERAPIST: ANYWAY, we were talking about your difficulty making friends
My CPR expires tomorrow. So if you plan to stop breathing, do it today
Ok so my grandmother is going on holiday on Friday, wants me to water her plants while she’s away & should never use emojis.
MAGICIAN: Think of a number, any number.
ME: *thinks for a bit* …k
MAGICIAN: That is a letter.
ME: omg ur right
Me: we can stay at the playground a little longer
3: for forever?! Yay!!
Me: for five more minutes
3: *bursts into tears*
Co-Worker: Can I get a quick word?
Me: Velocity.
Co-Worker: …
Cop ~ Do you know how fast you were going sir ?
Me ~ Uhhh …. Roughly about the same as you
Cop ~ Get out
Yes, sex is great but have you ever told someone “i told you so”.
Just saw that my wife was googling ballroom dancing lessons and now I’m hoping that she’s having an affair.
4 YO: Mom, Can you help me open this?
Me: Yeah, in a minute
4 YO: Ok. Alexa, set a one minute timer
[I show my phone to the taxidermied raccoon sitting on my apothecary shelf]
Can you believe this shit
[first day as aquarium guide]
Me: & here’s 8 snakes biting a soccer ball
Guy: that’s an octopus
Me [sighs]: fine. 8 snakes biting an octopus
Me to waiter: “I’m eating for 2.”
Waiter: “Oh, you’re pregnant?”
Me: “No, my sister was supposed to meet me here, but she can’t make it.”
Her: you’re damaged goods
Me *thinking*: she thinks I’m good!
Vader: “I am your father.”
Luke: “I am your father.”
Vader: “Stop copying me.”
Luke: “Stop copying me.”
Vader: “Shut up.”
Luke: “Shut up.”