“Interested in mail enhancement?”
Me: u mean ‘male’ enhancement
“No. [whispering] what if I told u I could get ur mail like so fast bro”
You Might Also Like
Me: how do I get one of those singing groups?
Director: you mean a choir?
Me: *exasperated sigh* yes fine, how do I acquire one of those singing groups?
So I harvested my tomato today, it’s bound to be good considering the $43.29 I invested to plant it.
This dogs tail is more talented than I will ever be
Nothing shocks you quite like finding out your friend’s younger sibling is an adult with a job and family and is not 12 years old anymore.
Friend: I can’t believe we ever used landlines. Could you imagine your phone always being connected to the wall?
Me, phone always at 4% battery: haha no way
I use a wheelchair. I love it when people ask me if I know one of their friends in a wheelchair, like we’re all in a secret wheelchair club.
Cop: I clocked you going 90 in a 45. What’s the rush?
Me: [embarrassed to admit I’m just really excited to watch the new season of The Great British Baking Show on Netflix] I HAVE A GENERAL DISREGARD FOR THE LAW PIG MAN
BEST FRIEND: Dude I’m broke!
ME: …
DAUGHTER: I have to sell my house!
ME: …
BROTHER: I have NOTHING, you took it ALL!
ANGEL ON SHOULDER: You should help them.
MONOPOLY GUY ON OTHER SHOULDER: FINISH THEM!
All I want is for someone to push me up against a wall
Lean in
And whisper ‘I’ll do your housework’
Eating nothing but beer for a month call that oktoberfast.
I cringe when teens brag about taking girls to pound town because adopting a puppy together is a huge responsibility.
i’m sorry that i bit you, i was trying to flirt
When another writer is telling you about their latest script deal.
I turned on my computer and it went “Word” and I was like “Yo”.
Apparently you can’t just say, “Not my circus, not my monkeys,” and leave your kids at the store.
Everybody’s partner buys a new vacuum cleaner when the filter gets dirty, right? Just mine?
Grease is my favourite movie about how smoking gets you a boyfriend.
you know, nobody ever talks about Pennywise’s estranged brother Nickelstupid
[Movie Theatre]
Employee: Theatre 9 will be on your right. Oh hey buddy, don’t forget to get some candy.
8 year old nephew: My uncle already brought some. He’s hiding it.
Me:
Employee:
*my cargo shorts jiggle with the sound of 15 bags of m&m’s as I waddle away quickly*
The most realistic thing about Stranger Things is how much time kids in the 80s spent without parental supervision.
We can put a man on the moon but we can’t reference any other achievements?
Next time someone asks you how you slept,
close your eyes & say “like this” & just stay that way for like 8 hours!!!
Mario Kart gave me unrealistic expectations of how banana peels affect traffic.
5yo *oldest*: Dad, why do we have to eat our vegetables?
Me: You know what? Our first kid asked the same question
[Blazing hot day]
Don’t forget to take a jacket, it might get cold.
~ My mom.
When I was a kid I had a Giga Pet, and I shut off the sound at night so it wouldn’t wake me to eat. When I woke up, it was always either dead or hungry and drowning in its own shit.
So I’m just saying whoever thought it a good idea to give me kids was taking a huge leap of faith.
Attack today with a positive attitude. Absolutely destroy it with good vibes. Murder its family with hope.
Heard covid makes everything taste like lacroix. I am now wearing seven masks
Men be like this is my all in one shampoo-conditioner-body wash-face soap-toothpaste-car wax