Just played that Facebook game where an app tells you what state you’re best suited to be in and I was disappointed it didn’t say unconscious.
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Him: You were supposed to do something about the groundhog under the deck.
Me: I did. I named him Lord Melbourne. He likes Cocoa Puffs.
My grocery list.
1. Don’t run into anyone you know.
2. Eggs
Treadmills:
The only thing worse than running, is running and going nowhere.
Me: The car battery is flat
Her: Have you tried the AA?
Me: No, it has to be a car battery
My doctor told me to try a milk bath. Adding the Cinnamon Toast Crunch was my idea
Warning:
This movie contains “Adult Themes” such as interest rates, bad knees, back pain, and excitement about going to bed early.
#ProTip
Never go grocery shopping when you’re hungry.
Also, don’t go clothes shopping when you’re naked.
luke, thats a persons name. whys everybodys star wars name gotta be like, hoobie doodoo or seb neb or something
Doctor: You have 6 months to live
Me: omg what can I do?
Doctor: Oh lots of things
Me: Phew
Doctor: but only for 6 months
[Post fight interview w/ boxer Joey “poor choice of words” Stevens]
Joey: “I just couldn’t get that guy to go down on me.”
TV ANNOUNCER: Up next, the Masked Singer.
CDC: Good.
Marriage means commitment. So does insanity.
Coincidence?
If you ever feel dumb, remember sometimes sloths grab their own arms thinking they are tree branches and fall to the ground.
Grammar Nazi hiding in Argentina captured after being baited on social media with an inappropriate you’re usage
If you hear a suggestive *zzzzip* in the middle of the night, mind your business. I’m just opening a bedside string cheese.
every once in a while one of these nerds really swings for the fences
The neighbors left a perfectly good doll at the curb with their trash and I’ve seen enough horror movies to know to leave it there.
Just heard a lady yell at her kid “Put the god damn present for your god damn father in the cart!”
Happy, happy holidays.
They don’t touch my pizza after it comes out of the oven?
So, wait. They used to touch my pizza?
who else gets a little disappointed when the emergency broadcast test isn’t an actual emergency? it’s like, hurry up already aliens
My kids never finish their dinner because they’re saving room for bath water.
I’m my own worst enemy which is frustrating because I’d always hoped my worst enemy would have an eye patch.
Cop: seen anything unusual?
Me: a dolphin with a hat once
Cop: I mean around here
Me: nah they live in water
I birthed my kid faster than she can put on shoes
Why did they call it a diaper blowout and not a shituation.
2000: I don’t want no scrubs
2020: I’m actually gonna need all those scrubs.
zordon: YOU ARE MY POWER RANGERS
9th graders: whoa!
zordon: HERE ARE THE KEYS TO THE MEGAZORD
9th graders: but we don’t even have our driver’s licens–
zordon: GO GO POWER RANGERS