*wakes up hungover, sweaty*
*licks arm*
*gets drunk*
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Phew. After THAT lunch I won’t need afternoon tea haha just kidding pass me that lasagna.
I’m walking on sunshine, AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH and I’m startin’ to feel
AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH THIS IS TERRIBLE
It was love at first sight. Then she mentioned she didn’t drink. Thus ended the shortest relationship of my life.
HAPPY EARTH DAY!
Suck it, Neptune.
I’ve got 45 chairs in my garage from receptionists asking me to take a seat.
Waiter: I’m sorry sir, we don’t have an appetizer called Jenga.
A bunch of termites in a trench coat: Then we..I mean I will have the salmon on the cedar plank, hold the salmon
No one makes more observations than a child sharing a stall with his mother inside a public restroom.
FRIEND: do you know the baby’s sex
ME [covering pregnant wife’s ears]: ew no gross what kind of position is that
On a ladder putting a cinema poster up.
Lady said “Is King Kong Coming?”
I said “No it’s just the paste off my brush”
These customers wanna come in at the most inconvenient times
-me during my whole shift
Reporter: How has winning the lottery changed your life?
Me: [chasing a raccoon with nunchucks] I can finally afford to do the things I love
“I didn’t choose the thug life.” I explain, entering an institution of higher learning.
The Five Stages of Christmas Shopping Grief:
– denial
– anger
– strong language
– moderate violence
– a lifetime ban from Toys R Us
ME: [on the phone] Plz come home from work
WIFE: Why
ME: Theres a spider in the bathroom
WIFE: so kill it
ME:[whispering] its got my gun
My stomach just made a really weird noise. I’m sending a pizza down to check it out.
By now you know I’ve attempted some radical experiments with the unrivaled packaging of the ‘peanut butter cup.’ Of course, my ‘ham cup’ was a colossal failure. Yet I didn’t give up, but doubled down! And now I can reveal my new creation. I present to you, The Bar-B-Que Ham Tub!
They should make a sister store to “Forever 21” called “So Now You’re 35” where you can buy sensible pants and soft sweaters & take naps.
I’m that aunt who laughs when my brother is scolding his kids and now we’re all in trouble.
I have never seen a construction crane being put in place. They just show up.
8 asked if he could draw my face and was super proud of the result.
Unrelated, he now lives with a neighbour.
Not today. 😅
Her: I want a man who will carry me to the bedroom
Me: I gotchu babe *Gives piggyback*
10: Dad, what’s the opposite of “discombobulated?”
Husband:
Me, yelling from the kitchen: You don’t know, do NOT say “combobulated!”
My kid is practicing his ninja moves, but he’s doing them right on the front lawn where everyone can see, so he might need more training
Parents: Never talk to strangers!
Also parents: Why don’t you have any friends?
My support group can outdrink your support group.
A foreign kid asked me how to speak English the other day, so I teached him some.
Sad news for all of us remembering Princess Diana’s death 25 years ago today, and also for any girls born on that day who are now too old for Leonardo DiCaprio.
Marriage is seeing your spouse happy, and wondering if it’s because they’re fantasizing your death.
im not pinning my selfies. forage for me like a little rat