When my new neighbor dies, I’m going to hire the same tree removal service he has outside my window right now to work during his burial.
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God: I’m calling this a horse
Angel: Wow you’re so clever, creating an animal that can pull carriages, transport goods, and can help plow the fields!
God *just wanted a chair that can run* thanks
Yes I carry a briefcase chained to my wrist in the airport. No one is stealing my travel cheese.
I’m not superstitious, I’m just a bit stitious.
Sorry I’m late, I was watching ghost adventures and they heard a noise.
I’ve accidentally set up push notifications for the BBC science magazine and it’s like being followed about by an inquisitive but annoying child
As a rule, if the number of genders allowed to drive in your country is less than two, you live in an awful country.
My dress code is business-casualty.
Him: how do you call your loverboy?
Me: C’mere loverboy.
Him: and if he doesn’t answer?
Me: ohhhh loverboy
Him: and if he STILL doesn’t answer?
Me:
Him:
Me: FFS, I walk away cause honestly I don’t have time for games.
[job interview]
interviewer: any weaknesses?
death star: only a little one
me: clean your room
teen: okay(30 minutes later)
me: clean your room!
teen: okay!(one hour later)
me: *changes wifi password*And now we wait.
I switched all the labels on my wife’s spice rack.
I’m not in trouble yet, but the thyme is cumin.
Next time someone falls asleep next to me on a plane they are going to wake up to me holding their hand and lovingly gazing into their eyes asking “What are we???”
Husband: *noticing my front clasp bra* Nice, did you buy that for me?
Me: *thinking how my shoulder no longer lets me reach my hand behind my back* Yeah, babe. You like it?
– Are you even listening to me?
– Of course I am
– Ok, what did I just ask you?
– If I’m listening to you
They say if a cranky baby won’t sleep, take a nice long car ride…
*hands cab driver $200, goes back to bed*
I just want what every middle-aged person wants: to remember what it was that I wanted
My God: dead.
My world: disenchanted.
My invitation on LinkedIn: declined.
I eat children for a living
You what?
I said I feed children
Oh haha thought you sa-
TO MY MOUTH
Every industry in the country, he lets put our products in these handy useful resealable ziplock bags!
Cereal & chip mfg companies, nah we’re good
is it possible to get my dehumidifier to water my houseplants
I do not have a firm grasp on physics but have sketched what I have in my mind, with it strapped to a ceiling fan
It’s like my father always used to say, “[years of silent disappointment]”
Me: I’m gonna put a note in our son’s lunchbox
Wife: Aw that’s nice
[Later]
Son *reading* sorry I ate your sandwich
I love how Presidents will pardon a turkey and then eat a different turkey.
Anxiety tip: Next time you cringe over some embarrassing moment you had years ago try to remember other people’s embarrassing moments. You can’t can you? That’s because you’re the only embarrassing human to exist, everyone else is always thinking about how cringey you are.
cashier: alright, you have a good day now!
me (offended, grabbing my 2 40s & box of donuts): I’ll do nothing of the sort
*makes breakfast for two
*eats both of them
I would do anything for love. But I won’t do that. Or that. That’s not looking good either.
[texting]
me: touching my duck n thinking of you
her: gross, go to hell
me: *patting my duck’s head* don’t worry quack sparrow, she didn’t mean it
Me: did you know cows have best friends?
Wife: really?
Me: yep!
Wife: how do you know that?
[Myrtle peeking around the corner into the living room].
Me: I’m glad you asked : )
GOOD COP: Three robberies in the same neighborhood …do you know what I’m thinking?
PSYCHIC COP: Yes
GOOD COP: Oh right