I don’t normally cook. How much vodka do you add to the mashed potatoes?
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Family trip to a bookstore, and I see 10 pointing to a book and grinning.
Living Successfully with Screwed-Up People.
Me: Wise guy, I think I do this.
10: Successfully?
[Installing ceiling fan]
Me: drill…screwdriver… tape…there finished!Wife on the phone: Is this Bob’s fix-it shop? Yeah, he just got done.
Just once in movies when someone gently shuts a dead person’s eyes I want them to whisper “Ew, ew, ew, ew.” while doing it.
every cat falls into one of the following categories:
• looks like it knows how to use a sword but refuses to teach you
• looks like it just finished eating an éclair
BRONTOSAURUS: Why don’t you wear that sweater I bought you?
T. REX: I don’t think I could pull it off
Wait, if Disney’s Cars only “eat” gasoline, why do the have teeth?
[arrested in 1985]
COP: you get 1 call
ME: [dials one of 37 numbers from memory] Hi, I have bad news
[arrested in 2018]
COP: you get 1 call
ME: [trying to remember ANY number] I think there’s a 7 in it
Baby, I would run into a burning building from you.
I don’t think that she is afraid of that tiny cockroach…
… I think she just need an excuse to stand on top of furniture & scream at me.
5: *comes in room* hey old lady
Me: *looks around*
5: *looks me in the eye* hey old lady
Me: *packages him up in Amazon box and puts outside for collection*
Me: I’d like a raspberry margarita.
Waitress: Do you want sugar on your rim?
Me:
Waitress:
Me: [looking nervously at my wife]
Wife: OMG SHE IS TALKING ABOUT THE DRINK
Blew out my flip flop…
Annoying my husband while he watches Star Trek: “Why does everyone in the future wear upholstery fabrics?”
Otter: [muttering] futkin kiths
SHE SAID YES!! 😍😍😍💍💍💍 i asked my mom if she was disappointed in me!!
My Twitter crush is 4,762-timing me!
Good potato salad is like money. You never have as much as you want, and that’s probably a good thing.
I love chasing after you…
* me to the ice cream man driving down the road
A squirrel just tried to break into my house,
I’ve gotta find another tree
Haven’t seen Paranormal Activity 4 yet so PLEASE don’t tell me which lamp falls over.
The only time that I get sucked in bed is when there’s a mosquito in the room.
Kid: Where do babies come from?
Me: I’ll tell you when you’re older.
Kid: What’s your name on Twitter?
Me: So when a man and a woman…
When I was a kid, a girl called me a witch for having green eyes. She’s a hamster now.
A horror movie, but it’s just me: struggling into my shape wear and then remembering I should’ve peed first.
If Ariana Grande made a lot of money selling designer chokers her song would have been called Thank U, Necks
What this four-way stop needs is some kind of signal that would let people know when it’s their turn to go
You are what you eat.
*eats Ryan Gosling*
*crosses fingers*
Overindulged this afternoon.
Soaking the dishes overnight, or as I like to call it, “not doing the dishes.”