Her: you take nice selfies
Me: so I’m vain
Her: no you’re photogenic
Me: oh so I’m ugly in real life
Her: just say thanks
Me: oh so I’m rude
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“Can I borrow your charger?”
Me: Sure. *offers keys to my pristine 1969 Dodge Charger Daytona*
“I meant for my iPhone.”
Me: Oh, hell no.
They should make engagement ring boxes that whisper “Dont do it” when you open them.
This rocks
Me: *interviewing a potential coworker*: why did you leave your previous job?
Him: I was fired
Me: what for?
Him: I knocked my boss out
Me: How fast can you join?
me *opening a box of Mac and Cheese*
wife [sitting in the hot tub] No
Geography FACT: The world’s second highest mountain is called Everer.
Got disqualified from the rap battle for being too dope*
*trying to start a tickle fight
I had to cut my own toenails. This pandemic is bullshit.
In a dog eat dog world, the chocolate lab is the most delicious, yet poisonous of all breeds.
For 21 years i wasnt allowed to sit on the arm of my aunties couch, today my auntie gave me that couch. Here are the pictures she recieved
This chloroform smells expensiv…
“Sookie!”
-70% of True Blood dialogue
I used to be married to an active, vibrant, happy young woman who decided one day to hang a bird feeder in the back yard, and now I’m married to a glassy-eyed, unwashed maniac that stands at the kitchen window all day screaming at squirrels.
*6 opens piggy bank*
Me: wtf where’d you get all that?
6: mommy said I could take $1 out of your wallet each day bc you’d never know
[1st date]
Her: So, were you born here?
Me: [an idiot] In this restaurant? No. I was born in a hospital.
I’m a bound and determined person and I like to get things done but as I’ve gotten older I’ve found that I can pay others to do it while I take a nap.
My anchor tattoo is so realistic I can’t get out of the bathtub.
[antique store]
customer: I want something new for my living room
me: do… do you know what antique means
I’ve learnt a lot from the movies over the years, such as how to count using Roman numerals…
I, II, III, IV, V, Balboa.
All summer long: Kids are healthy.
5 minutes into the 1st day of school: Everyone has Ebola
Me: welcome to my she shed
Gynecologist: please don’t call it that
Hey starbucks I’m not using your made up language give me a medium beanwater
5: I miss Mama’s food.
Me: oh, sweetie. That’s so nice. I’m sorry I haven’t cooked more lately.
5: I said Mama Fu’s. The place with the Ninja noodles.
Me: oh.
5: Haha, you thought I missed your food.
Why do drugs after 30 when you can just stand up too fast?
glass half empty: I just found an old banana in my kid’s backpack
glass half full: It’s only 6 days old
There’s a reason the iPhone autocorrects “Yolo” to “tool.”
If you arrive home, it’s not a holiday, and your driveway is full of family member’s cars, keep going…….It’s an intervention
Anyone else’s grandma used to slip them a five dollar bill like the mob bribing a witness not to testify?
“…just don’t tell your mother.”
Wait for it