It is appalling how terrible little kids are at throwing things. Half the time that shit ends up going behind them. Get it together, little kids.
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“And why did you join our gym?”
▫️to stay healthy
▫️a friend recommended it
☑️I’ve seen myself naked
Some people weigh themselves naked so they get the number as small as possible, but if you weigh yourself with clothes on you can blame like 20lbs on your socks
I ducked into a crowd of guys bro hugging as they left the bar, they didn’t notice the stranger in their midst and I’m feeling so loved rn.
I feel as though we’ve come too far as a society to go camping on purpose.
If I get married I want my last name to be hyphenated. Mr. and Mrs. Hyphenated.
*Person in front of me using 73 coupons*
Customers behind me: huffing and puffing
Me: [eyes glued to screen] That one was for $2! Yahhhhss
Don’t bore a girl by saying she’s beautiful, like every other shallow creep
Grab her interest by saving her from a staged hostage situation
Crows that are stuck together are called Vel-crows
The phrase “it’s ok if they never make Shrek 5” is such a weak mindset. You are ok with no Fergus, no Farkle, no Felicia. When you stop getting angry after no news, you’ve lost twice.
There’s always more onions, and always room for more swamps, it’s never ogre.
Genie: So let me get this straight, your first wish was for your cat to talk?
Me: yes.
Genie: and then your second wish was he couldn’t talk anymore?
Me: He was mean to me.
Genie: And now your third wish is he can talk again?
Me: I just thought of a great come back!
Urge is strong to leave work early on summer Fridays to avoid traffic. Most do it & become the traffic they sought to avoid.
Me: Forgive me father for I have sinned
Dad: [sighing as he reviews my math homework] it’s sined and you should’ve used tangent
At this point I’d just like to have my winter body back.
If it was really a smart phone it would have recognize that it was an ignored call, not missed.
I cleaned the house last month and it’s already dirty again. Life is SO unfair.
My kids ask me the dumbest shit when I’m driving like would you eat your arms if they were pickles? Like obviously the answer is yes.
Apparently telling someone you’ll catch their next wedding is unacceptable, whatevers.
I only carry an old Spencer’s gift card in my wallet because I think it would be funny to get mugged and say “I hope you like lava lamps”
me irl
There are some “IDIOTS” in this world, That Always Reply “NO” to every question we ask them….
now tell me, Are you one of Them?
The court system could save a lot of money on psychological exams by reading Facebook posts to determine if a person is crazy.
The idea is to just keep scrolling on your phone until you die.
I eat my gummy bears 2 at a time ..no one should die alone
Is your GPS supposed to sigh before it says “Recalculating”?
Fox News and Facebook did to our parents what they said video games would do to us.
How fast “Little pig, little pig, let me in”
turns in to “Not by the hairs on my chinny chin chin”Ugh!
*Keeps plucking*
I told my son if he wants to have company over he needs to clean the house. Either way, big W for me.
The best thing about humans is that many of the richest and most prosperous among us collect bottles of rotten grape juice.
Doctor: does mental illness run in your family?
Me: I do have an aunt that’s a morning person.
[making the first boat]
“How do we get across this river?”
ME: we gotta build a boat
“What’s a boat?”
ME: that’s what we gotta figure out