if you believe in the butterfly effect, then you know that people who react slowly to green lights are responsible for everything.
You Might Also Like
STAGES OF WORKING FROM HOME
– Yay I get to work from home
– It would be nice to talk to people
– I hope that pigeon sits in the window today
Me: *winking while holding up an eggplant
Passport photographer: No
My dad gets drunk and sends me this picture at least 3 nights a week
So touched by the kindness of my teenage son. Another lighter at the bottom of the washing machine that has been looked after for a friend.
Doctor: I need to draw some blood
Me *hands him a red crayon* haha
Doctor *stabs it in my arm* haha
People who knock on my front door really need to give up these unrealistic expectations that I’m going to answer
Based on my hair this morning . I think I might be a muppet .
You ever feel pretty cool and then you see someone driving the same car as you and then get disappointed that they are much older and then even more disappointed to realize they are the same age as you
I just want the confidence of a youtuber who suddenly thinks they can sing
I feel bad for tailgating this minivan so closely but once I started watching Kung Fu Panda on his back seat TV I had to see it through.
I’ve not watched The Traitors and to be honest it’s not as good as not watching Love Island
I wouldn’t ask a woman if she was pregnant even if I was performing a sonogram on her and the baby waved.
Life hack:
Use a pot lid as a shield when cooking bacon with no pants on.
Coffee so strong I’m starting to believe I’m The Flash.
Back to work after the long holiday weekend, so you’re finally away from the relatives you don’t like, and back with the co-workers you don’t like
me: i’m proposing to my gf
sonic the hedgehog: that’s awesome man
me: i need a ring lol
sonic: *nervous* haha
me: *pulling out a baseball bat*
Last year my ex and I dressed as opposing political parties for Halloween… best hate sex we ever had.
My 6-year-old: What’s the difference between a barracuda & a shark?
Me: When a barracuda is near, you’ll hear a guitar riff. When it’s a shark, you’ll hear a tuba.
You can count on your dog to be the first responder when anything or anyone drops to the floor.
“I’ll fix the roof myself,” I said, “save some money” I said…
If you smash someone on the head with a banjo it’s just horrible. But for half a second it sounds pretty damn funny.
Walmart: Did you find everything you were looking for?
Me: Well, I couldn’t find-
W: *finger to my lips* Shhh! I don’t actually care.
Eventually, everyone will be quarantined to their houses with no sports to watch… and in 9 months from now a boom of babies will be born… and we will call them the coronials. #Coronials #Youhearditherefirst
I had an uncle who died on a trampoline. What he was doing with a trampoline in the middle of the Vietnam War, I’ll never know.
*finishes reading a long, magical tale about the trials and tribulations of a young family coming to america and settling in the new west*
Me: *wiping a tear* oh heck this recipe is for sugar cookies not chocolate chip
I don’t mean to brag but HR told me no one had ever eaten everyone’s lunch before as a reason to fit their own food in the fridge.
I’ve never held a baby before
“It’ll be fine”
*I accidentally put the baby in a box and mail it to North Korea*
Every Crock-Pot recipe:
– throw in anything you have left in the house
– cook three to eleven hours.
Mom: Some stranger keeps answering your land line.
Me: That’s because I haven’t had a land line in 7 years, Ma.
I used to worry I was too sexy to be taken seriously. Life has proven me wrong, but not in the way I’d hoped