“Follow your heart,” as advice, is sort of like “abandon yourself to cognitive bias.”
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“Age is just a number”
…so is your credit score, your weight, the balance in your bank account
Irritating friend: I passed your house yesterday.
Me: Thanks. I really appreciate that.
A lot of people say “we need to” when they mean “you need to”. We need to stop that.
“Hot, lo-cal singles in your area!”
– Diet ads for Cannibals
How am I today? Well it’s officially day four of me arguing in my mind with a person who took my spot in line for party balloons
DOCTOR: To cure your blue skin condition, you must immerse your entire head in this vat of chemicals
GUY ABOUT TO BECOME SKELETOR: Sounds crazy but okay
Just killed a spider IN MY BED!! So if you need me, I’ll be burning down my home and looking for a new place to live.
When you find out your hotel has a waffle bar.
“LMAO WHO DID THIS” — me as a homicide detective
A career website for plumbers called sinkedin
Are there any police officers willing to come to my house in uniform and tell my kids that not listening to me is against the law
What’s the difference between carbon monoxide and spouses?
Carbon monoxide is a silent killer.
No time to exercise? Get the results of a 30 minute workout in only 3 seconds by accidentally stepping on your cat on the stairs in the dark
Me: Okay, 5yo, are you ready for your morning math lesson?
5yo: Hold on. Let me get my laser gun.
Me:
COPS: COME OUT OF THE HOUSE
“I’LL NEVER COME OUT”
COPS: WE WERE TALKING TO YOUR DOG. WE WANT TO PET HIM
Let’s play the Rihanna drinking game! We’ll drink a shot of vodka every time she says ‘work’.
[2 minutes later]
*house is on fire*
The band and I decided to go our separate ways after they saw my audition.
Allowing your kids to cuss offers a great balance between
1. making profanity less cool for them
2. pissing your mother-in-law off
Giving someone the finger while driving used to mean a lot more when you had to manually roll your window down to do it
Me: After 10 years of parenting, I’ve become very good at carrying on a conversation with myself.
Also me: Yes, I can see that.
12 was not amused when I made the comment of how good ‘we’ did on candy tonight
I GOT INTO HARVARD!! 😍🥳🥳🥳 they left a first-floor window unlocked and i’m just walking around in here!
Me: Like that time in Harry Potter Revenge of the Fallen when the wizard becomes a Camaro
Pal: I think you mean…
Me: Dumblebee, yes, I know what I mean. So, anyway…
Clean sheet day!!
*brushes Pringles crumbs over to his side of the bed*
Mrs. Potato Head: OH MY GOD!
Mr. Potato Head: What?
Mrs. PH: Your browser history.
Mr. PH: I can explain!
Mrs. PH: TATER TOTS YOU PERVERT?!?
79.
If you immediately tell new people you meet you’re allergic to chocolate, you can eat all of their candy bars when they aren’t looking.
Worst perfume name ever.
“nice dog or cat or baby or whatever” i offer politely, my eyes scanning the room for the taco dip. “was it expensive?”