One time for my child’s birthday party, I accidentally sent the kids home with whistles in their goodie bags. I lost 47 friends that day.
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We need a Disney princess who’s a greedy profiteer so we can cheer for the poison apple.
me, drunk, into the thermostat: alexa, how do i charge my milk when it’s at 2%?
“These fries are too crispy” – inventor of the microwave
First airplane parts store: The customer is always Wright
Plants: We should trick people into taking us inside and watering us
Plants once we bring them inside: Oh no
maybe if millennials didn’t buy an avocado toast every single day, then they could afford to purchase a house in 1955 like everyone else.
My boss accused me of being overly dramatic, I lamented in a soliloquy as I threw myself across the desk in feigned shock
My fridge constantly looks like I’m stockpiling for a massive cheese shortage.
I always keep pepper spray in my purse, you know, in case someone tries to attack me or make small talk
If I hold my phone upside down it looks like you have replied to my text and I’m ignoring you.
It’s okay if you didn’t notice that I switched my beard trimmer’s setting from 6 to 5. The difference is stubble.
If the police don’t escort you out of Applebees then is it really a good date?
I just ate an apple to keep doctors off me, now what do I need to eat to dodge the cops?
Meet me in the bedroom.. bring the gravy boat.
Don’t make this weird…
ME: mom we’re out of eggs again!
MOM: it’s ok, there’s cereal
[later]
ME: *throwing cheerios at the mean neighbor’s house* this sucks
*releases Olympic swimmer into the ocean*
You’re free now
Me: “Another day, another dollar.”
My boss: “Please don’t discuss your salary in front of co-workers.”
secret recipe
People who get in loud cell phone arguments in public, everyone secretly loves you.
Instead of getting any work done on my face, I’m just going to pull my hair back into a really tight ponytail.
my favorite posts on fb are the people who apologize for not having be on in a while and nobody cares that they’re back
[asteroid hurling towards earth]
ME: [frantically petting dogs] this puts me horribly behind schedule
sober me: where’s my phone?
drunk me: I’ll never tell
refrigerator: you’re not going to believe this
Technically, it’s only cannibalism if you eat the top half of the mermaid, your honour.
Two things Twitter cultivates and encourages:
1. instant gratification
2. sense of impatient entitlement
3. misunderstanding of basic math
FB post from HS friend on pic: My boyfriend is such a dreamboat!
My comment: So was the Titanic.
11 lost a tooth the other day. He threw his tooth in the garbage, walked over to my wallet and took out $2.
He’s a better tooth fairy than I ever was.
I decided to beat Black Friday and start my Christmas shopping early.
*Runs Amazon van off the road
“Daddy, why do I have to go to school?”
“So you don’t end up like me”
“What, awesome?”
“Alright fine, no school today”