Cats be like I could kill you in your sleep and take over the world but I’m also hungry so can you feed me right meow
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‘A confident swipe of the debit card’ is my favorite fantasy.
Me: What’s your favorite book?
Date: War and Peace
Me: *mouth full of McNuggets* No, you can only choose one
[at parent-teacher night]
Teacher:*looking at my coffee tumbler*
I see you’re a coffee enthusiast, tooMe: Coffee? Oh…yeah, coffee*wink*
Genie: I will grant you one wish
Me: I wish to be healthy and fit in both body and mind
Genie: I said a wish, not a miracle
DR.: you’re going to feel a little bit of pressure. Ready?
ME: yes
DR.: your sister is younger but already has a career path & owns her home
It seems like I only lose weight when I don’t buy ice cream.
Can someone else start buying my ice cream for me please?
NYT: Yes Sauron Can Be Quite Aggressive But Consider Hobbits Who Go Around Throwing People’s Jewelry Into Lava Pits
A pleasant day enough to misarrange slightly some words.
I take back every tweet I’ve ever written bashing autocorrect. Tonight my husband brought home beers instead of beets and I don’t know the last time I was this happy.
No time to explain get in the wood chipper
Me yesterday: I’m gonna get so much done during this quarantine
Me today: 2pm time for bed
my favourite word in the dictionary is ratio because it’s under rated
If a cougar left her teeth next to my bed in a glass of water was that a tip? Do I have to change the water? Do I feed them like goldfish?
DOCTOR: I have bad news
MAN WHO WOKE UP FROM 5 YR COMA: I don’t mind as long as I get to see my favorite gorilla from the Cincinnati zoo
Dam, girl. What did you think I was building?
– Beaver
me: i need a dr appointment
reception: ok plz verify your birthday
me: it’s this friday
reception: thanks
me: but you don’t have to get me anything
reception: umm, ok
me: there’s really nothing i even need
reception: ok i wasn-
me: size 12. in rollerblades i’m size 12
Got kicked out of the grocery store. Apparently yelling “LET THE BEETS DROP!” And throwing them at the ground is not acceptable.
I always run towards screaming. Sure, it could be a horrible murder in progress. BUT it could also be ice cream.
I just had the best argument in my head and I cannot wait until someone pisses me off.
vader: i am your father!
luke: so you’re the deadbeat who left us for cigarettes
vader: search your feelin- wait, what? cigarettes?
luke: don’t deny it. now you wear that dumb mask and talk like a robot because you smoked so much
vader: i swear, i nev-
luke: you make me sick
Cashier: Did you find everything you needed?
Me: Oh what I need you can’t find in stores, if you know what I mean.
C:
Me: Yes I’m good, thanks.
at ease…shoulder.
FIRST TIME MOM: Hush little baby don’t say a word.
BABY: {saying first word} Mama.
FIRST TIME MOM: [makes note on clipboard] Doesn’t follow directions yet.
Pretty unfair how gargoyles just monopolized rooftop perches.
Of course the Midwest takes sports very seriously, what else are we going to obsess over…corn?
If you don’t like someone, set them free. If they come back, use pepper spray.
5: I’ve only got one shoe
Me: you need to find the other one
5: I found it!
Me: that was quick, where was it
5: on my foot!
Me: that’s the one you already had on
5: oh
It’s like my cat doesn’t realize my retirement plan involves him doing something interesting enough to be famous on the Internet.
Wanting to take a nap but the upstairs neighbours are doing the stampede scene from jumanji.
[Logging in]
• Password must be 6 digits
Me : *Types “6 digits”*
Computer : You are an imbecile.