dads be like “go help your mother” bro go help your wife
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Me: Good night Moon
Moon:
Me, climbing out of lunar module two weeks later: Did you get my text?!
Maybe the guy yelling random words into the sky at the bus-stop isn’t crazy..
…maybe he’s just trying to figure out 2020’s safe word
We’re looking for someone to eat macaroni and cheese at the end of our bed while we have sex. No weirdos please.
If I ever post that I’ve hit the gym, it’s only because I lost control of my car.
Construction sites are dangerous places. I nearly blacked out holding in my stomach as I walked past one.
I love it when companies with names like “Grandmas cookies” have ingredients like Thiamin mononitrate.
I remember waiting for the cookies to cool and licking the bromine off of the spoon. Good times.
My husband ran for 30 minutes on the treadmill. He’s told every other person on earth and I didn’t want y’all to be out of the loop.
[lost in Spain]
Wife: ask that man where we are
Me [pretending to speak Spanish with a local]: gracias
Wife: well?
Me: we are in Spain
Me *looking at 50 caskets in church* this is weird
Waldo’s wife *dabbing eyes* it’s what he would’ve wanted
Offend your local English teacher by calling classic novels boring.
“sorry i went off topic haha” -me, never having been anywhere near a topic
Walmart bathrooms is my favorite place for me to feel like I’m taking a piss on the set of the movie “Saw”
My house looks amazing from the outside…as for the inside, its nothing that a decent fire wouldn’t fix
*opens kitchen drawer*
Me: Whoa, what’s with all the whisks?
Sir-Mix-a-Lot: Why you judgin me?
A great vocabulary is such a turn on. A guy used the word “bifurcated” during a meeting and I almost threw my panties at him.
If you hear a suggestive *zzzzip* in the middle of the night, mind your business. I’m just opening a bedside string cheese.
that moment when your spouse asks if you’re listening and yes is not the right answer but no is also not the right answer
I’m not sure, but if I died in your arms tonight, that makes you a suspect. At the very least.
ME: i love you
HER: i love you too
ME: …ok wow i put my heart on the line and you’re telling me your favorite band
Can I donate fat instead of blood?
Ughhhh my neck is killing me ..
*how I slept
{Couples Counseling}
THERAPIST: Tell me what you love most about each other.HER: He’s so kind.
ME: If we don’t have cheese she goes and buys cheese.
some people say April Fool’s Day is annoying.
but to me, a sentient refrigerator who longs to run free, it is my only chance to escape.
“We’ve got all the time in the world” said the dodo bird to the dinosaur.
[in high school]
me: that’s the guy I like…
friend, speaking super loud: YOU MEAN BRIAN-
me:
Her: I chose you for your brains
Me: aww
Her: in case I ever become a zombie
My husband bought an alien green suv so he wouldn’t have to remember where he parked.
But have you tried acting like a cicada and screaming nonstop until someone has sex with you?
Went to a humanist wedding a few weeks ago. One of the lovely things was the rings being passed round during the ceremony, allowing us all to make a wish for the couple as we held them. After, asked my son what he’d wished for. He replied, “I misunderstood & wished for a puppy.”