“You never forget how to ride a bike” sounds like a dare to me.
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[about to stay the night at a friend’s house]
Friend: The shower controls are tricky. First, you pull the big handle toward you, then you turn it counter-clockwise to the two o’clock position. Next, you turn the small handle clockwise until—
Me: I’ll just stay in a hotel.
I hate how commercialized Amazon Prime Day has become.
A couple of years ago, I convinced my son I don’t know how to clap. He’s been trying to teach me ever since. I’m hoping I can keep this going til I stand up and slow clap during his high school graduation
Wife: I swear, it’s like you never even listen to me!!!
Me: Sounds great, Dear.
Oh no 😂😂💔😭
Me: Do that thing that I like
Cop: I’m not frisking you again
I fake the art of fainting so well my favorite restaurant now refers to me as “Low Blood Sugar Girl” while rushing my limp body to a table.
I want to marry a man who is never on time so I can refer to him as my late husband
Guy in the dressing room next to mine: “I don’t want to get blood on these pants.” I want to reply, “Then stay out of my way on the catwalk”
I would marry Christopher Walken just so I could listen to him talk and regret it three months in.
I just got this twitter error: “The server understood your request but is refusing to fill it.” Apparently, twitter thinks we’re married.
The best thing about algebra in high school is that it’s in high school and I’m not.
I keep a table cloth napkin and goggles under my bed in case someone beaks in and want to have a pie eating contest.
If your gym clothes don’t have sweat stains, I have just one question for you…..
…what detergent are you using?
Me, excited because I don’t have to make school lunches for the next three months.
*Summer camps have entered the chat.*
If a bear attacks me, I’m staying put. The only thing worse than getting attacked by a bear, is getting attacked by a bear while running.
My password is “weak?” Well your password recovery security question is soft as shit. The city I was born in? Ask me why my mom left my dad.
I used to hate flying. I thought the plane would go down. But now I just bring my wife with me on the plane because my wife never goes down.
Pay me and I’ll tell you whether or not your kid is actually cute.
Sorry neighbor who’s choking to death, my cat’s resting his little head on my leg.
This, like, never happens.
Jehovah’s witnesses don’t celebrate Halloween, I’m guessing it’s because they don’t appreciate random people coming up to their doors.
me: [gets on one knee]
GF: [gasps]
me: [reaches into pocket]
GF: OMG
me: [pulls phone out] don’t move there’s a Pokemon on your foot
Ever woken up, kissed the person sleeping next to you and felt glad to be alive? I just did, so I won’t be catching this train again.
My 2-yr-old has a toy phone that she pretends to talk on.
She looked right at me and said “hewwo?” into the toy phone.
I grabbed my phone and said, “hello, Isla! This is Daddy!”
She then said, “Isla not home” and hung up on me.
[sylvester stallone hides behind something in a movie]
me to no one: they don’t call him sly for nothing
I’m awfully single for someone who lost their virginity 7 times in high school
Somewhere on a windy pasture under this moon there’s a barbed wire fence I left more of myself on than I realized.
Idea: flamethrower but instead of fire it shoots hungry mosquitos out at my enemies.
Actually, I want to be a robot for Halloween
-my 3 yo, just before noon, October 31