librarian: that’s $34.92 in late fees
me: *whispers* waldo’s really hard to find
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Here’s how I get my kids to wash the floor: I give them a cup of water without a lid. Follow me for more parenting hacks.
I could survive 3 months in the wilderness with the contents of a woman’s purse and a pocket knife.
[first day as a mechanic]
customer: can i get a quote?
me: give me liberty or give me death
customer: i meant for the truck
me: oh sorry…autobots, roll out
Me : can you be my quarantine partner ?
Her : Hmmm …first , Show me your
stimulus packageMe : 🤦🏾♂️
Her : DO NOT TOUCH YOUR FACE.
A woman saying “I’m not mad at you” is like a dentist saying “You won’t feel a thing.”
Answering this for men everywhere & this patient. Yes, it is unusual & incredibly icky to flirt with me while I’m checking your prostate.
[boiling pot]
Dad lobster: why’s the heat on with the lid off
If I don’t come when you call my name just rattle a bag of chips
20 year old me)I’m going to be rich
30 year old me)I’m going to travel
40 year old me)I’m going to be a better person
50 year old me)I’m going to bed
*wears reindeer antlers*
*innocently smiles*
*bats eyelashes*
*steals your wallet*
It never gets old to hear someone say “Oh no” when I say I’m calling from the health department
If you see me in court you’d think I was furiously taking notes, but 9 times out of 10, I’m usually drawing a t-rex eating a witness.
Took the road less travelled after buying the sat nav less expensive
Free will is good, but free pizza is better.
Do you think the earth is flat? Blink once for no, have a lobotomy for yes.
Sorry I ruined our sexy video chat by repeating, “come and play with us, Danny” in my creepy twins-from-The-Shining voice.
Once, I had a dream so bad I threw away the pillow.
Arrange marriage are scary. What if my husband doesn’t like my boyfriend? 🙄
Me: sorry I can’t work today, the baby’s not well
Boss: what baby?
Me: me
Wife: pick a Christmas movie to watch.
Me: Lord of the Rings.
Wife: that’s not a Christmas movie.
Me: then why does it have elves?
Wife:
Me: plus Gandalf looks like Low Carb Santa.
If your opponent cracks his knuckles before a fight, have comfort knowing that osteoarthritis will, in due time, avenge your savage beating.
The worst thing about life is getting comfortable and then realizing that you don’t have the remote.
Me: One coffee please.
Barista: Name for the cup?
Me: Umm Cuppy McSip.
60% of parenting is making grand plans to do something special with your kids and then hoping they forget about them so you don’t have to go.
When you’re dragging a boat full of sailors to its watery doom then suddenly remember you left the oven on
Practice self-care like Medusa, take care of your hair & turn everyone who has wronged you into stone.
Been yelling i need a job at my phone for 6 hrs each day so that I get targeted ads about jobs. Now the jobs are looking for me.
I’m not saying they’re stupid, but certain people I know would use a broom on a fire extinguisher after reading “sweep side to side”
When I was 19 I worked at Staples. They showed us an anti-union video during training. That was the day I realized it’s okay to steal from work