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Friend: How many girls did you date before you met your wife?
Me: That was so long ago. Who really rememb-
Wife: Thirty-seven
me: WTF all the shelves are empty
sales guy: yeah this is Ikea
i like my men the same way i like my coffee; steadily getting cooler, as i inevitably forget they’re sitting next to me.
Me: your dress is too revealing
Wife: wear your own clothes then
This is the ideal male body. You may not like it but this is what peak performance looks like.
I wouldn’t recommend drinking too much and wrapping presents. I still can’t find my remote.
I still don’t unmute myself often on group calls at work, but my comically overt nodding game has never been stronger.
Me: How’s it look?
Doc: You have 2 months to live
M: WHAT?? You’re my dentist!
D: Then you don’t need to come back for a cleaning in 6 mos
[first date]
HER: I love a man who likes to get a little crazy.
ME: *trying to impress* I’m a psychopath.
Just tried to show my daughter how to jump rope and now I have scrambled eggs where my brain used to be and my left ankle no longer moves. Don’t get old, kids.
A little Caesar’s pizza joke, eh?
Me, starting a diet:
7am: Egg white veggie omelet, fruit
9am: one slice of cake instead of two
“What do your tattoos mean?” They mean I can sit still for a long time
BOSS: Wow you made a killing on your first day
ME: Thanks boss!
BOSS: *puts hand on my shoulder* that’s bad for a surgeon
“Aimee, could you please mute your phone?”
(me on a conference call making roaring noises while I play with my plastic pterodactyl)
All I’m saying is if paper beats rock why are rocks used as paperweights?
[Burgler walking around our house] Have…have I been here already tonight?
Would you rather fight one 800lb gorilla or 800 1lb gorillas that trust you as their parent?
When your printer uses up half your new ink cartridge aligning the print head. Well played printer companies.
[Stock market crashes]
“Oh no, I better check on my investments!”
*opens cupboard over top of the sink*
[1000s of Shrek dvds fall out]
It’s only Quarantine if it’s in the Quarante province of France. Otherwise it’s just Sparkling Isolation.
I won $5 on a scratch-off lottery ticket, so it looks like someone is buying name brand aluminum foil this week.
I’m never more independent than when a spider offers to help me with something.
I knew I’d get too old to recognize new celebrities but I did not expect to get too old to recognize what celebrities are famous for. every day I go “is that a new singer” and then a person born in 2007 goes “ew no they’re a peeble streamer on doop” as I inch closer to the grave
Whoever said “out of sight out of mind” never lost a spider in the bedroom.
Sexiest Man Alive implies there’s a Sexiest Man Dead
Survivor: The Dryer Edition.
Jeff Probst: The tribe has spoken. Wool sock, it’s time to go.
[on a first date]
Her: …
Me: …EMT: So, whose idea was it to go ice skating?
me: let’s circle back around and touch base
baseball coach: yeah that’s the gist of it
Voldemort: I’ve hidden the first part of my soul in a cup full of poison on an island in a lake full of monsters and its all hidden in a cave
Me: and the last piece?
Voldemort: at a high school in a room everyone hides their junk lmao